MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Lyndy lou is bound and gagged to a chair, the doors are locked, the blinds drawn, I'm in a swively chair and stroking a.....cat? no...a blonde hairy mutt, I've taken over this blog for one post........wow one? well that was an anti-climax.
Nonetheless in the words of the famous band Snap, (so famous that I only know one of their songs) "I've got the power!".....yeah baby!!!
sooooooo without further ado, drum roll please! ...........that's right people it's the moment all of you have been waiting for Holly's revenge!!!!!!!
Ok so as you may have already noticed I write a bit differently from my mum (I'm obsessed with elipsis so when it comes to those little dots.......I....Have.trigger...finger) so this probably will not be the kind of post you were expecting or neccesarily the kind of post you like but I'll try my hardest to fit into my mums heels and take you through some of her embarassing moments. don't worry people, I'll take good care of you although I'm afraid some of you may not survive this ordeal but that is a risk I am willing to take! .....(cue evil manic laughter) .....MWAHAHAHAHA! I joke.
So here we go, and heres a little tip for a dangerous journey like this one, always wear your seatbelt....it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of the car! And in this case our life is pretty much out of this world. so buckle up.
Right so I'm sure one or two of you have had quite a little giggle over the close encounter my mum had four nights ago. my face inches away from hers, what a wake up call eh? well I always give her a kiss before i go to bed, even if she's asleep. but little did I expect when I popped into her room to change the alarm and give her a peck on the cheek before I went to my own bed. Little did I expect that inches from her face her eyes would snap open and she would let out a startled bellowing sound, the sound you would expect a cow to make if you gave it a fright "uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhaaah". seriously funny that's all I can say but this is not the first time something like this has happened, oh no, not with our track record.
One day I was leaving for school so I went over to give my mum a kiss before I left and naturally I closed my eyes as you do before you give someone a quick peck, well I'm glad this time that I opened my eyes because it was like slamming the brakes on a speeding car because the sight before me was terrifying. My mums mouth was wide open like she was going to swallow my head, she was yawning, don't worry she's not some kind of freak. but still if you were in my position trust me .....traumatic. seriously my life flashed before my eyes.
Anyway lets leaf through some more terrifying events that I played victim to, shall we?
Scene of crime= The stair landing just outside the victims bedroom.
The victims age= 8 years old (now remember this small number, remember that I was only a small child because this will increase the sympathy level!)
So I had been, lets just say, scaring my mum all week but you know, I was only eight, all I would do was jump out of nowhere and scream boo! every now and then. but this particular night my mum had had enough. After several attempts to get me to stay in my bed she pinned me down, threw the duvet over my head and ran out the room.
Now there was a gate at both the top and bottom of the stairs so that jack or the dogs couldn't get up the stairs and hurt themselves, so normally I would here them crash closed, this time I didn't. So I knew she was still upstairs so I started to shout "Mum? Mum I know your still up here! Mum? Mum?" no answer. So up I got and began my search, I walked out onto the landing. Now my mum was standing right beside my door, There was no way I should have been able to miss her, she should have been the first thing I saw but this is me we're talking about, so naturally I walked right past her and toward the top of the stair and started yelling down to the bottom of the stairs but nothing,
So I turn around only to see that my mum has stepped in behind me and is now beaming at me. Now there is something you should know about me at this point and that is that I have a 10 second delay before anything registers in my brain so if you throw a snowball at me unless it takes 10 seconds to get to me, it's gonna hit me. So at this point I had gone way over 10 seconds and was now going into the 25 - 30 second delay. Mum started to get worried, I hadn't said anything and I was still staring at her slack jawed and bugged eyed. "Holly are you ok? Holly? say something!" and that's when I started to scream and I swung back on my heels, I was about to fall backwards down the stairs, arms waving wildely windmill style luckily mum reached out and grabbed hold of me pulling me to safety. And she burst into laughter attempting to crawl down the stairs but unable to get anywhere because she was laughing her head off. I on the other hand still coping with the shock, trying to breath evenly and actually crying, announced "You made me pee myself!!!!". Well, I think you would agree I deserved some revenge.
So because I have a photographic memory, I remembered this when I was 15 and the ultimate opportunity for revenge offered itself up to me. Mum drinks this horrible pink grapefruit juice, it's gross. And so one night when she had poured herself a huge glass of the stuff and carried it all the way up the stairs, gotten ready for bed and then gone through to the bathroom, I snuck into her room and downed the whole glass, she could here me gulping from the bathroom and she started laughing and yelling "no! no! no!" but it was too late to stop it, I'd finished it off and the best bit, that was the last of the minging stuff so mission complete! what can I say I'm a genious!
I leave you with a chinease proverb: "Man who lives in glass house should get changed in basement."
Much thank youz from the one who needs help climbing stairs! I hope I gave you a laugh!