Thursday, 8 September 2016

It's all about me me me....and if not....then why not?

It will be 11 weeks on yesterday since my precious boy took his last breath. I don't know how I have survived but here I am, still standing, still breathing.

Every morning that I wake up, for a tiny split second, I have that moment where my mind hasn't fully caught up and Jack is still with us like nothing has happened and then reality kicks me in the stomach.

That alone is enough to floor me. Yet I still force myself out of bed, make myself stand and face the day. It isn't a choice, it's just instinctive.

I am still wading my way through the financial implications of Jack's passing. Having no money no longer scares me, it is what it is. Bad enough that Father of the Year has pulled the financial rug out from under me (his money for Jack paid the mortgage) but now he has done it to his daughter. He has stated categorically that he will not give her any financial support if it benefits me in any shape or form. She is living in my house, so obviously she would have to contribute financially as any adult would but not according to him. No, he would rather see her homeless or having to move out of her home at a time when she really needs her mum and I need her. She has no job yet and is still applying for benefits but he doesn't care about that.

The two loves of my life...

This is a form of parenting on a whole new level, one I could never begin to understand in my wildest dreams....but there you have's fuelled by bitterness in all it's glory and it matters little to him the consequences for his daughter.

Bitterness that is borne from the fact that we didn't allow him to have his own way during the last week of Jack's life.

Let's be clear, Jack didn't know him. He chose not to know his son but he always blamed me for that.
Narcissists never take the blame for anything, they are always the victims.

Holly and I were Jack's welfare and financial guardians. In order for this to happen, FOTY had to give up his rights to his son, which he did without a backward glance.

We took these powers seriously and we only ever wanted the best for Jack.

So when he became seriously ill this time, Holly and I made some tough decisions. One of those was to allow his father to spend some time with him. This didn't mean that he got to spend the same amount of time with Jack as we did but he didn't see it like that and that is when things became difficult.

He never left us alone for a second with Jack, he gate crashed every personal moment with our beautiful boy yet expected to have quality time alone with him himself. He became demanding and caused us lots of problems in the hospice and created an atmosphere so bad that his mum and Holly were struggling to cope with him. Worst of all Jack became agitated by the atmosphere so things came to a head and I had to ask him to leave. We still allowed him to visit with Jack for an hour in the morning every day until he became too ill for visitors but that wasn't good enough apparently.

So we protected Jack, tried to surround him with all our love, put his needs before ours and made sure his last days consisted of our undivided love, care and attention so that his last hours were spent with the people who had been there for him all his life, Holly and I.

Because we put Jack first and not his father, I have to suffer his wrath and the only way he has to hurt us is financially!

He thinks what he is doing will cause me pain but what he doesn't realise is that I am already in such incredible pain from losing my beautiful boy that anything he does to me at this point can't touch me. It is just a tiny ripple in a huge huge pond.

His bitterness makes him even more ugly than he already is.

Holly and I regret nothing.

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