Saturday, 28 July 2012

I could have been an Olympic athlete....honest!

The Olympics has started and people all over the world will be glued to their screens for the next few weeks.

When I was in my teens, my family were heavily into athletics and all my brothers and sisters, bar one were members of the Elgin Athletics Club.

My brothers Stephen and Michael were the fastest but my sisters and I held our own. I could never beat my brother Michael as he was such a speed demon, so much so that he has won medals galore and he has run all over the world while he was in the RAF breaking a few records on his way.

One of his cool trophies

He broke the record!

We used to train around Elgin Academy, which was perched on a hill and the back exit from the school was the quickest way home but it was very very dark and quite scary.

One night, after training, Michael and I were making our way down the hill in the pitch black when suddenly this loud booming voice shouted from behind us "YOU BOY!". We stopped chatting, turned and looked around us but could see nothing so we carried on chatting and walking down the hill. Seconds later, the voice shouted at us again, this time, it felt like it was right behind us, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

We stopped again and looked around. As my eyes travelled over the school's perimeter fence, I saw a huge bulky shadow moving along it and my heart nearly stopped. Not even stopping to think, I took off in a sprint, running for my life!  I wasn't aware of anything but my heart trying to burst outta my chest and the wind whipping my hair around my face.

Pic from here

Michael hadn't even noticed I had gone and by the time he did, I was over the little bridge and sprinting like a demon past the football ground. He took off after me at great speed, yelling my name but I was oblivious! Finally I heard him yelling at me as I reached the swimming pool so I slowed down and when I turned around, he was clutching his sides, panting and totally out of breath.

My heart was still pounding with pure terror but then I started laughing hysterically about the fact that I had taken off as if the devil himself was after me and I wasn't even that out of breath whereas my brother, the faster of us both, hadn't been able to catch me and was bent double and breathless. Then he was laughing as he told me he's seen the same shadow as I had but he had turned to me, to ask if I had seen the same thing only to see this tiny speck sprinting away into the distance.

He couldn't believe how far and how fast I had run. It was the one and only time I ever raced him and won.

He was telling this story to Holly when he was visiting from Berlin earlier this year. He told her that "your mum ran so fast that night that even Usain Bolt wouldn't have been able to catch her and he's the fastest man in the world!" I roared with laughter at that comment but I think it could have been true.

yes I was this fast!

At school, I was always in the relay, 60m and 100m sprint, long jump, hurdles, 200m and the 3000m and cross country running. I wasn't the fastest girl in the school but I nearly always came away with a silver certificate at the end of sports day.

I was heavily into gymnastics too and Nadi Comaneci was my hero at the time. I had dreams of being an Olympic gymnast but sadly it was not to be.

One morning, I woke up with two appendages on the front of my chest and was appalled to discover that the boobs I had so longed for were gonna seriously get in the way of my athletic career. I mean, have you ever seen a gymnast with a decent set of boobs? No? Me either.

My running became more of a problem because back then a "sports bra" was unheard of in my world. Any kind of running, even just running up the path would be painful and one time, my sister's boyfriend actually asked me if I'd blacked my eye! I was totally mortified.

Pic from here

I knew my athletic career was over when I had to run the 100m hurdles and all the boys came to watch as I ran and my boobs jiggled up and down! My cheeks were red when I got to the end and not with exertion!

I remember going home, crying saying to my mum that "these boobs were a curse" and she replied " no Lynne they are an asset." I remember turning on her and growling "that an asset was something you could buy and sell and since the only way to sell these was to become a prostitute, it was hardly likely that it was something I was gonna do!" She was bent double with laughter when I then added "I could always become a Page 3 model I suppose." And for a while, I seriously thought that was the way to go!

Eventually I started saving up to have them reduced but that soon fell to the way side when I learned to cope with the attention they brought and when I became old enough to drink, my boobs became very useful in attracting the attention of the barman and jumping the queue!

I knew there had to be a perk.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

The perils of dating internet it and weep!

Since I wrote about the end of my relationship with my Friend with Perks I have once again braved the world of internet dating.

If you are easily offended then in advance I apologise but I am afraid I really must tell it like it is!

Since joining one particular site, I have had lots of emails from men. All have been complimentary, some have been sleazy and some have been just plain weird!

I am pretty open minded but even I find myself thinking WTF?

I seem to attract all age groups, in particular the really young guys who I think have a fantasy about being with an older woman. That really isn't my thing and it is made even more obvious by the fact that they have nothing of interest to say to me apart from talking about their gaming activities on their xbox/playstation etc and how plastered they were that weekend! Whilst the idea of a younger guy appeals slightly, the thought of having to teach them what to do, really doesn't float my boat! It just brings to mind an image of a guy fumbling in the dark with me calling directions such as left a bit, right a bit, up higher, yes just there....NO not there!!! LOL You get the picture!

pic from here

Then there are the older guys who are way older than me who put in their profiles that they "like cuddles". I immediately start laughing at that cos I have this image in my head of them being so old and frail that I have to physically hold them up and I can't help but go into fits of giggles. Now for those older guys that happen to be reading this....I apologise for assuming such a thing but really it would be like dating my dad, who ironically happens to be one of the fittest guys I know. Still it's definitely a no go area for me.

That leaves us with the guys in between. The ones I have been chatting to or email fall into two categories. The really nice ones who are polite but who I know by looking at their photo that I will not be attracted to yet I still chat to them cos after all, looks are only skin deep. They are interested in me and ask pertinent questions but so far have not piqued my interest which is a shame.

One guy who was like that, asked me to meet up with him for coffee so we arranged to meet the following week. That whole week he kept giving me a blow by blow account of what he was doing, letting me know how busy he was and then lo and behold, the day before we were due to meet, he cancelled. He gave no reason and when I said it was "ok, you obviously had a better offer" he then proceeded to bombard me with texts saying how much he wanted to meet me.

After a whole evening of this, I got fed up and told him to stop texting me so he panicked and said he now could meet me after all. I told him that "no, you had your chance so could you please stop texting me". The next day, at exactly the time we were supposed to have met up, I received some very abusive texts from him saying that "god help any guy that takes you on! It's women like you who give other women a bad name!"
WTF!!! Just because I am not willing to put up with crap from someone I barely know, that makes me a bitch?

pic from here

I couldn't help it, but I sent him a text full of HA HA HA'S with the message that "if you have time to send me abusive texts then you had the time to meet up with me so could you just go and crawl back under the rock from which you came!". He tried phoning me then but I didn't answer. He is now blocked on the dating site and his number in my phone is listed as DO NOT ANSWER THIS NUMBER! I daren't delete it in case he tries to call and as I often get calls from doctors on my mobile with unknown numbers I can't take the risk of just not answering it!

Another guy I was chatting to, kept asking me had I seen anyone yet who I liked and when I told him no, he got a bit snotty with me. When I explained that he was too far away (his profile said he lived in London) he got really annoyed as he actually only lived an hour away from me. When I explained he was a bit happier but then I kept having to reassure him that yes I thought he was cute, yes I would have picked him to talk to if his profile had said he lived closer, etc etc. Geez and they say women are insecure! Naturally that email relationship didn't last as he was already sucking my will to live and I hadn't even met the bloody guy!

pic from here

Then there is the other category. The ones I do find attractive but who are only after the one thing, I wouldn't mind so much if they were willing to take you out on a date and at least make a pretence of getting to know you but no, these guys just want you to put out after a cup of coffee no less and they will even skip that if you were willing!

A few weeks ago, an email from one particular guy, absolutely made my day cos he came right out and asked me if I fancied having his young, hard, hot body rubbed up against mine. I laughed so hard I nearly cried. Lets face it, it's not every day you get an offer like that and it made my day. This guy was 32 so I replied, telling him how much it had made me laugh.. That's when he came back and said that he wasn't interested in having even so much as a conversation, he just wanted to meet me somewhere, fuck, then leave.

I was like "what no foreplay? You're not even gonna ask me do I like this or that?" As honest as this admission was I just couldn't face the prospect!.

Then you have the guys who have written on their profile that they are looking for a relationship but really they are not. Again they just want sex or a fuck buddy but without the buddy bit. Same same no matter which way you look at it.

ha ha ha pic from here

And this is the part that rankles the most. Are they just too lazy to bother? Have they spent too much time and effort meeting the wrong women and getting disappointed. Or is it just easier to have a relationship via text and email, meet up for sex and pretend that this is normal. Has all this technology we have in the 21st century enabled us to just say what the hell you want, without a filter cos it's not like they can see you!

Put it this way, would you actually ask a girl you just met in a bar if her va jay jay was shaven or not? Would you ask her what her favourite position is and what's the kinkiest thing she has ever done? If any men reading this say no, then seriously, tell me this, why is it ok to ask me on the internet?

How would you feel if I asked for the dimension of your penis then told you that "mmmm actually size really does matter!!!" If you walked right up to me in a bar and asked me any of these things, I would slap you! I  had a guy quite a few years back, cup my breast whilst I was talking to his mate in a bar. He obviously thought it was his god given right so he was completely taken aback when I knocked his hand away, sending his drink spinning up in the air and leaving everyone gawping and me snarling like a rabid terrior telling him exactly what I thought of him!

Maybe I should start a internet site, a bit like the take away sites popping up all over where these guys could order a side of rump, heavy on the boobies, hold the pubes blah blah blah. Oh wait they don't want to pay for it.....damn....another cool idea down the tubes! LOL

Tee hee hee

Don't get me wrong, I am no prude. In fact I am one of the most open minded people I know.I am happy to talk about anything, even sex, but if that's all you have to talk about then I will quickly get bored.It's not that I am picking the wrong guys because every one of these guys I have spoken to have contacted me! I don't do the contacting because essentially I am quite shy approaching guys in person and that hasn't changed being on the internet.

I have had guys email me and start a conversation and when I reply, there is silence. I have spent an evening chatting to a guy who was so interesting, a good laugh, lots of banter and then we sent each other a couple of emails for a day and that was it. No more contact! Was I just someone he wanted to practise his flirting on?Did he fancy me that night but in the cold light of day without the aid of a few beers, decided he didn't? I will never know cos these guys just stop chatting and don't reply when you say hi. Confused? Hell yeah and they say women are complex! We've got nothing on these guys!

I know so many women who have just decided that they would rather be single cos they have been so confused by these mixed messages that guys are sending out. They have chosen to get much more intimate with their Rampant Rabbits cos a) it gives them exactly what they want b) they don't have to worry that it wont call c) it doesn't need to be reassured that it's good in bed and finally it's not gonna give her a rude awakening in the morning by digging into her back!
a rampant rabbit :)

To me it's simple, if you are on a dating site, it's because you want to date! If you don't want that then piss off to one of those Intimate Encounter sites, there are hundreds on the web, I know cos I checked when I was writing this and leave the rest of us to get on with trying to meet up with someone decent.

I have been told by people I know that "You don't really need a bloke!" This is usually from someone who is smugly married, living with someone or who is in a relationship of sorts. Yes they are correct, I don't actually need a guy but I want someone to hold me in my darkest hours, laugh with me when I am helpless with laughter and who gives the best cuddles. In return they will get all they wanted including sex on tap but first you have to work a bit harder than asking me when I am gonna put out!!!

Is that too much to ask???


Saturday, 7 July 2012

Back to normal

I can't believe it has been a month since I last posted. So much has happened but I will save the telling of that for another day.

Suffice to say, Jack is doing well. He had his operation, his cast is off and he is now free to roam around the floor with me in hot pursuit.

Trying to change his nappy is like trying to hold down an octopus! He has gotten so tall and so strong all of a sudden that he fights me when I try to do anything that gets in the way of his exploration of my living room floor.

The other day, I was sitting on the floor in mid nappy change when he decided he was bored, rolled over practically crushing my leg and I couldn't get him to lie back down. I started shouting to Holly for help and was yelling "he's got my leg!". She came in, laughed and said "he's not a shark ya know, he's not gonna bite it off!"

That set me off into a fit of giggles and the two of us were helpless with laughter . It took two of us to hold him in place while I sorted him out. Thank god it was just a wet one or it could have gotten messy. Afterwards I felt like I had been wrestling with an Alligator...tee hee hee. Who needs the gym when you have a child like Jackyboy.

Doesn't he look so grown up all of a sudden?
I had started to relax a little after removing the large unit from the living room after he got his leg caught under it and was feeling pretty smart that I had removed all dangers. Huh! NOT SO! Granny Mac reliably informed me one day after looking after him, that she had to rescue his arm from under the sofa. AAAAHHH!  I can see me emptying the living room of all furniture at this rate and all that would be in the room would be bean bags for us to sit on. Jack would just love that, more freedom to roam. 

It is now the school holidays and they are off for 7 weeks. Eeek! I think I will have to turn to wine to get me through! Lol. Luckily I have a trip to Rachel House in August so I am looking forward to being spoilt and spending some quality time with my girlie.

My two dogs are so so happy to have me home again. Shiloh (the blonde one) has been practically trying to crawl onto my lap, every opportunity she gets. I just can't pet her enough. She has always been demanding but now she is worse than ever. When the carers who come in at night make a fuss of her, she sits there lapping it up and then she turns and give me such a look as if to say "this is how I am meant to be treated". It is hilarious to watch and usually sends me into fits of laughter. I am sure she is the dog version of Holly!

Loki and Shiloh sitting pretty
Next weekend it is my birthday and for the first time ever, Holly can come out with me to the pub. I am so excited about that! She suggested going to see Magic Mike at the cinema first so that I can be treated to half naked men before we get dolled up to go out. Oooh err! I have taught her well me thinks.

Hope all is well in your world.

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