Friday, 24 September 2010

Alexandra Burke Feat. Laza Morgan - Start Without You

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Friends with Perks!

This week, just for fun, I put the subject of this blog in your capable hands and you, my Facebook friends decided that you wanted to know about my "friend with perks".

For those of you not in the know, a friend with perks is a male/female friend that a person has sex with but it doesn't follow the "normal" relationship rules. This type of friendship is also known as Friends with Benefits or Fuck Buddies!

After I separated from my ex, the hurtful comments he made about me still echoed in my head and taunted me every time I looked in the mirror. Therefore in my mind, there was no way on this earth I was ever having another man in my life and anyway, why would he want me!

Before his affair with a woman in Azerbijan, my ex used to be always asking me to go out there to see him but after, when we tried to patch things up he stopped. When I asked him why he no longer wanted me to go there he said "well you see, the women in Azerbijan are beautiful, and I don't want you to feel insecure!" I took that to mean that I most definitely wasn't beautiful and my self esteem took a real battering, that coupled with the comment that " women in Azerbijan don't have normal births, they have caesarean births so that they keep themselves tight for their men!" Wtf? So not only was I not beautiful but was he saying it was like throwing a tennis ball up an alley??? Oh geez thanks for that!

So you can imagine, I was NEVER going there with another man again! It's not that I didn't have the opportunity cos I had nights out but I had totally lost the art of knowing if a guy fancied me or not. One memorable moment, was when I was standing at a bar, ordering drinks when this guy sitting beside me said hello. I actually looked behind me to see who he was talking too cos I knew it couldn't possibly be me cos this guy was well fit and hot hot hot!
He actually laughed when I looked about me and replied "are you speaking to me?". Later that night after copious amounts of drink for Dutch Courage, I found myself in a very hot embrace, locking lips with the very hot guy but still that echo of disdain stopped me taking it any further.

Four years after our separation, I took the bull by the horns and joined a dating site. I met all kinds of guys on there who were equally battered and bruised but who had so many issues they made mine look insignificant. I didn't want to meet them as such but chatting was great fun cos I missed that male perspective and the added plus was they didn't have any preconceived ideas as to who I was. Most of them were in a stale relationships and wanted no strings attached fun which I found a bit of an eye opener and often they didn't wanna know my name just went straight in there asking about "bush trimming" activities!!! Now I am pretty open minded but even I was a little shocked........what no foreplay!!! lol

And gardening??? What the fuck was that all about? What happened to au natural?? Oh my how times had changed. How was I, with my baby stretch marks, curvy body and saggy boobs gonna compete with these young things? Best not to go there huh! Best to carry on with abstaining than bare all to some poor unsuspecting guy. Oh the trauma!

One of the first guys I chatted to was completely different from that. He asked about me, which was a surprise and he made me laugh which is always a winner in my book. He eventually gave me his mobile number and wound me up and said I wouldn't be brave enough to text him. Bloody hell, how did he know that throwing down the gauntlet like that was right up my street! So being the type of girl I am, I rose to the challenge and for two whole years we conducted a relationship by text and the odd phone call.

Eventually he asked me to meet him. He is a lorry driver and he was gonna be in Elgin the next day so now was the time....right? Oh my fucking god, I went into such a flap cos now he was finally gonna see me and what would he think? I knew I should have kept up that diet, skin care regime and exercise plan but now the day of reckoning had arrived. Oh fuckity fuck fuck fuck!.

I was so nervous, but I never wavered and I walked round to where we had arranged to meet, pushing Jack in his wheelchair. He had had a seizure so was sleeping and was totally oblivious to the proceedings. The meeting went without a hitch. I thought he was pretty cute in person and he wasn't recoiling in horror at me so win win situation me thinks. We met a couple of times after that and the sexual tension was seriously building and for me who had been a nun for 5 or so years it was exciting and totally terrifying at the same time. Then one night he kissed me and I felt like sleeping beauty being woken after sleeping for a hundred years.

I was just getting to the end of a horrendous divorce, we had finally signed the papers and I had made up my mind that my lorry driver was gonna be my reward!! I had so earned it don't you know. So three days later, totally sober.........yes no Dutch Courage this time, my life as a nun came to an abrupt end and this born again virgin had been seriously deflowered!!!

OH MY GOD! My world shifted right off it's axis. Enough said.

Since then, I have met up with him lots of times. I have learned so much about lorries I am in danger of becoming an anorak! I have perfected the art of climbing in and out of a lorry in wedges, a feat I am most proud of and am now nimble enough to climb up into the accommodation part too. Snigger snigger! Who knew that these things had sinks, fridges and even microwaves depending on whether you are in a Daf, Scania or Renault etc. I could write a book on the 101 things to get up to in a lorry, it would be a best seller on the x-rated book list! God I am so very very bad but good at it if you know what I mean!

I always knew I was a bad girl but hey good girls never made history and I most definitely want to!

It has been a total blast and I although we don't have a normal relationship, I don't take any shit from him, just like I wouldn't from any of my friends. Not that they ever do, I hasten to add. We have an unwritten rule that we have to keep texting each other and we talk on the phone 3/4 times a week.

He is 9 years younger than me but totally on my wave length, we have so much in common and have become great friends. He lives on the islands off the top of Scotland and loves it there, wouldn't live anywhere else whereas I am a city girl with a child who needs to be close to a hospital so there is never any question of this progressing in to anything more than friends with perks. I have always known this so I have no expectations.

He has more interest in my kids than their own dad, is interested in my life, my friends and everything there is about me. He will always be my friend. I have dated other guys and during that time my lorry driver and I have made a point of not seeing each other because I do want a long term relationship but it has to be right and with a guy who wants me and ALL the shit that goes with that. So far that person has eluded me but although I haven't given up, I have actively stopped looking cos that is the time when he will probably appear.

Until then, I say to all you single girls out there, get yourself one of these, they are the coolest new girl toy around! But you can't get them in the shops, no, you have to put yourself out there and who knows what you will find, no two are the same!

All the hurtful things your previous partners told ya, forget them cos I know now that to some guys, I am pretty hot stuff and you can forget the tennis ball and alley thought............after all my paranoia, it was so not true! And gardening! Well who would have known it could be so much fun and good for ya lol.

Just don't fall in love, unless of course he falls in love with you but you can definitely start your very own Mutual Appreciation Society and the best bit about that is that you don't just have to use words, actions are sooooooooooooo much more fun!

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar!

I have been separated from my ex husband for 8 years now, divorced for 3. Tomorrow, 16th September, would have been our wedding anniversary. I will be celebrating the release from those marriage bonds with a very large glass of Vino Tinto and a major boogie around the room to MTV!

It has been a hard 8 years. I never wanted to be a single parent and I was grief stricken and angry that he had thrown us into this situation and devastated as my daughter, who was 8, happy and confident, became a clingy, confused child before my eyes. Jack, who was 4, didn't really understand but his sleeping pattern became more erratic.

Since then Jack has developed Epilepsy, been on so many drugs and diets to control it and been in and out of hospital constantly. Holly became a very introverted child and didn't have many friends, was bullied at school, was joined at my hip and never slept in her own room.

I lost my lovely mum to a horrendous illness called Motor Neurone Disease. She suffered for 2 years and we, the people who loved her, had to watch.

Jack has also lost the ability to eat and walk and now my house is filled with medical equipment, adaptations and more medication than you can shake a stick at! Despite this he remains a happy laid back child.

Holly has turned into a beautiful, confident and happy girl. She now has loads of friends and attends theatre group, mask theatre, guitar lessons and anything else she reckons I might pay for! Her social life is SO much BETTER than mine.......Grrrrrr!

There is so much more that has happened but hey, that's for another day but suffice to say that throughout all of this, there has been very little support from my ex.
He provides financial support and I guess for that I should be grateful.........NOT!

But the biggest change of all, is the change in me. I am no longer the wife who tiptoed round her husband, who had to ask permission to see her friends, told that she was stupid and that she talked crap and who was no longer attractive. Oh no, this girlie has turned from a moth into a butterfly.

I have realised that actually I am anything but stupid, have a very valid opinion and only speak crap when I am pissed which is not very often these days........bummer! I also know that I am attractive, just not first thing in the morning and definitely not after a night on the piss and speaking crap lol. I am not any skinnier but hey I've learnt to work it baby! I am so much more confident now and even if I am not, am very good at faking it and other things if the need arises! Ha ha ha

I see my friends and family, there are many, you all know who you are, as often as I like and these are the people who have been behind me, cheering me on and celebrating my achievements. To you all, I salute you and I look forward to many more adventures to come.

Most of all, I am very very happy being me. My kids think I am cool and so do their friends and that is good enough for me. Our house is filled with laughter, fun and silliness and it never would have been this way if I had still been with my ex.

So for the ONE and ONLY time in my life, I say a big heartfelt thank you to Allan, Tosspot Extraordinaire for having his affair and moving on and making some other woman's life miserable. It did turn out to be the very best birthday present you ever gave me although I would have preferred diamonds cos at least I could have sold them at a later date!

That's why tomorrow, as I am supping my lovely Vino Tinto, I will be celebrating all you great women out there who, like me, have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt and who are now "doing it for themselves".

You go girlies.............Yay!

Monday, 13 September 2010

I'll never be a nurse!

Holly has a bit of a trapped nerve. It plays up once in a while and this week is no exception.

Thursday night, after coming home from her boyfriend's house, she did her usual, grabbed the TV remote and threw herself onto the sofa for a bit of chill time. Meanwhile I was busy setting up Jack's feed and getting his stuff ready for the next day so left her to it.

About 10.45 I shouted on her to put the TV off as it was time for bed. As I walked past the living room after locking the doors, switching off lights etc, she let out this almighty yelp and started hopping about the room like a demented frog!

Off course I am used to Holly's little dramas so by now I am half way up the stairs and I'm like WTF? "You were all right a minute ago! What's wrong with ya?" Meanwhile, Holly is doing some weird kinda dance, yelping and muttering how much it hurts. Eventually she says "you'll have to help me up the stairs, you'll have to let me lean on you".

So, like the dutiful parent that I am, I stomp back downstairs and hold out my arm for her to lean on. So she grabs my hand, leans on my arm and we do this sort of shimmy to the living room door by which point, I am now seriously in pain cos she is gripping my hand so blinkin' tight and leaning so hard on me that I have lost about a foot in height and if I hadn't leant against the wall when I did, she would have knocked me off my feet and fallen on top of me.

By this point, I am laughing hysterically cos there is no way that I am gonna get her upstairs like this. I am 5ft 3 for god's sake and she is about 5ft 9, we'll never get as far as the first step before she knocks me over!

Poor Holly is getting seriously pissed off at the fact that I am in hysterics so she gets down on all fours and attempts to crawl up the stairs with me following slowly behind. The going was slow and at times I thought she was gonna fall and we would both land in a heap at the bottom of the stairs!

She was wearing a skirt as she been to her boyfriend's house for dinner as it was his 16th Birthday. So half way up the stairs, I burst out laughing cos suddenly the skirt had ridden up and I was faced with her butt, which just so happened to be purple at the time cos she was wearing purple tights. She was most unimpressed by my humour once I explained what I was laughing at and muttered under her breath bout how unsympathetic I was then she let out a cry of "and I bet you put this on your blog!" which made us both laugh cos ya just know that is a foregone conclusion!

Finally we were at the top of the stairs and I had to help her to the toilet and we WONT go THERE, I owe her that much. I'm not that cruel......snigger snigger! Then I had to run around switching on her lights, taking orders from her and even had to go back down stairs to get her a drink! WTF? Milking it or what? I could hear her laughing as I was in the kitchen, she is not her mother's daughter for nothing.

The drink was dutifully brought up and then we were on the home straight. As I walked back into her bedroom she was lying on the bed fully clothed saying, "you'll have to help me take my clothes off!" The look on my face sent her into fits of giggles especially as she was lying on her back with her knees drawn up, just like a baby, all ready for me to start!

As I am hauling off her tights I am muttering that "Ok, one child with a disability is bad enough but two is seriously taking the piss and someone up there is having a laugh, and she'd better not be unable to walk tomorrow don't ya know!!!" This gave us both an attack of the giggles and we were lying on her bed laughing uncontrollably, tears running down our faces.

Eventually I got her bottom half changed and thank god she was able to do her top half herself! Then I massaged her hip and helped to get her further up the bed and tucked her all in.

I was still laughing as I fell into my own bed at the vision of her purple butt, it reminded me of a giant plum with legs!

I think it is fair to say, that I don't have what it takes to be a nurse, my lovely daughter can definitely vouch for that but I could be a doctor cos after all isn't laughter the best medicine?

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

The Big C

My wee sister has breast cancer. She has only one more chemo to go and then it's on to radiotherapy, which is equally hard going but in a totally different way.

I knew she had lost her hair but as the wig she has been wearing is so natural looking, I had been fooled into thinking that she had been saved that trauma. That was until a few weeks ago when she asked did I want to see her without her hair. This was a huge thing for her to do as her hair was always her crowning glory! She never left the house unless it was just right.

I tried really hard to not show my emotions when she removed her wig but as my face is so expressive, it totally let me down. To me she was still the same just minus the hair and she had this luminous beauty about her It brought back so many feelings that it kinda took my breath away. I quickly headed into the kitchen to make tea and get a hold of myself.

After we'd had our tea and she had left, I was so out of sorts and tearful. She is the third person in a short time, who I am close to, who has been diagnosed with cancer. Both my friends, Angie and Maureen have been through it in the last year. Although their cancers were different types, the story is the same. They both endured numerous painful operations and the horrendous painful recovery, coupled with chemo it didn't make for a fun time. Angie didn't lose her hair but Maureen did.

Maureen was very proactive and had her head shaved for charity. I was totally traumatised! lol

You see, I have had cancer. I was 24 when I was diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. The diagnosis was not good but with chemo and radiotherapy I had a chance.

I knew I was gonna lose my hair cos while I was in the hospital the "wig person" came to see me. My hair was long, past my shoulders and so she tried to get me a wig that matched my hair. I was so not impressed! lol

Like my wee sister, my hair was my crowning glory. I was a Head Receptionist in a hotel and that required me to look my best so I never went anywhere without the hair looking glossy and lush and my face made up. It used to drive my friends crazy cos I was always late for a night out cos I would be busy sorting the hair or make-up. I'm reading this and thinking that it makes me sound vain but I totally wasn't. I guess that it was because I didn't feel like I had the greatest figure so I made more effort with my hair and face.

I wasn't able to go back to work after starting my chemo, just as well cos within a week of my first dose, my hair was starting to fall out and boy there was a lot of it. After finding so much of it in the shower and in the bed, I decided in my infinite wisdom to get it cut short.

So I got Pam, who worked at the hotel but who used to be a hairdresser to cut it short. She really didn't want to do it and the two of us were crying but I was insistent. The end result was pretty cute and at least then there wouldn't be so much hair to clog up the shower.

It was just before my second chemo that my boss and the hotel owner asked me to lunch to discuss my illness. I was all dressed up and trying to gel my hair but soon realised it was a no go when I ended up having more hair stuck to my fingers than gel in my hair. The more I tried to get it off the more the hair kept getting stuck! lol Abandoning the gel, I headed out to the hotel.

During lunch, I was sitting between the boss, Jimmy and the owner, Louigi. Everytime one of them spoke, I would turn to look at them. After a short time I became aware of little piles of hair collecting on my shoulders with every turn of my head. I was completely mortified but they just brushed it away and told me to stop moving my head! I think one of them even moved so I wouldn't have to. It was hilarious and traumatising at the same time.

Later that week my mum was through to see me and I had just had my second chemo and OMG I felt rough. So there we were, me lying on the sofa, doing my dying duck routine and my mum sitting beside me stroking my head. That was ok at first but then she was creating a nice pile of my hair on the floor and I now had a bald patch in the middle of my forehead. I remember saying that I think she should stop now otherwise I would be bald by tea time. Next thing we were laughing hysterically and crying with laughter although let me tell you, it was so not funny.

My hair finally lost its grip on my head on the 15th December 1990. I remember that date cos it was the day of the Christmas party that Allan's work was holding. I had been determined to go wearing my own hair but it wasn't to be.

I was given a hair net to wear in my bed for collecting the masses of hair I was losing and when I got up that morning, it was a Saturday so Allan was at home, the first thing I did was take off the hair net. To be honest, I didn't even look in it to see how much hair had come out but just carried on watching the TV. About 3pm Allan ran me a bath and after it cooled a bit I headed into the bathroom, looking forward to a long soak. We had a big mirror in the bathroom and it was all steamed up so I gave it a wipe and to my horror saw that most of my hair was gone! I let out a scream and Allan came running in, he was waiting for this cos obviously he had seen it and was just waiting for this moment. I couldn't stop crying but eventually got a grip and had a proper look.

It hadn't all come out but now I looked like an old man who was sporting a comb over and had a stripe of hair from the top of my ear to the bottom of my neck, all the way round and I just looked like Rab C Nesbitt off the TV. The only thing missing was the string vest!!!

I spent that hour in the bath, crying and pulling out the rest of my hair til there was nothing left.

That night at the Christmas party,I was really self concious but everyone was very nice and one particular lady said how surprised she was at how good I looked and wasn't I lucky to have not lost my hair! I nearly choked on my drink cos there was no way this wig on my head could be disguised as real hair.

Anyway it soon became apparent that it wasn't when I started dancing and every part of me moved except my hair! Oh correction it did move just not in the way you would expect as you see the damn thing was quite itchy and it got so bad that I had to lift the wig and have a scratch underneath. After doing this a few times, the parting on my wig was soon half way down the side of my head instead of in the middle and Allan had to sort it! Tee hee hee

I only wore it a couple of times after that. The last time was to go Christmas shopping with my mate Kathy and we had to have quite a lot of pit stops for tea as I got so tired, just as well cos it was only then that she would get a good look at my wig and would have to sort it as I'd been scratching again. She used to make me laugh cos she would look around to see if anyone was looking first before she would "fix" me.

The wig is still in use to this day, Allan gave it to his mate as part of his best man speech cos Topper was starting to lose his hair. It went down a storm and to the best of my knowledge the wig still makes the odd appearance now and then usually when there is alcohol involved :-)

I preferred to go without it and wore a turban instead. Being bald had it's perks, it was really useful for keeping my neices and nephew away from the Christmas presents underneath the tree cos I used to threaten to show them my baldy head if they didn't leave them alone!!

Really effective I might add. God I am wicked!

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Ride on Time

As I said previously, Allan is home and he is causing me great entertainment and anger in equal measures. I am trying really hard to laugh instead of cry so have tried to focus on how much he unwittingly entertains me without even trying.

This week he has been showing off his vehicles when he comes to pick up Holly.

The first time he was in his hire car, nothing new there. Usually it is a wee car, can barely get anything in the boot and most definitely not Jack friendly.

This Sunday, I heard him coming up my street before I saw him as he came to collect Holly in his UAZ. A what you ask??? I said the same thing believe me but it turns out to be a Russian Jeep which he had shipped over to the UK. The man has lost it me thinks!

Poor Holly was dolled up to the nines and had to get into that thing. At least it didn't break down this time. I had such a good chuckle, when she told me that he'd attempted to pick her up from school in it but alas, the Uaz had other ideas and ground to a halt in a puff of smoke. Oh dear!

Not so the other day. Holly likened it to the car out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, just not as easy on the eye and said it was like being inside a giant vibrator!! Apparently when he tried to put the foot down Holly said they never got past 50 miles an hour and she said it was like being one of those "sunday " drivers! God how embarrassing!

I nearly fell off my seat laughing. You see, this is exactly what I would be putting up with, if, god forbid we had stayed together. Oh cringe cringe!!! I can see my street cred slipping away already lol.

Tonight he rumbled up on his two wheeler. No, not a push bike, nothing quite so tame for him, this is last years purchase, a very snazzy motorbike. He was obviously not content with the Kawasaki GPZ 900R that he left in my garage which had seized up by the time he took it away.

This new bike is red like the GPZ. Old habits die hard I think! Not so, according to Holly, it's because it's her favourite colour for a motorbike. Awwwwwwwwwwww!

So now I am all intrigued as to what he is gonna ride into town on next. Maybe it will be one of those ride-on lawn mowers or a 3 wheeled trike with a basket on the front so he can get his shopping! Or he might get himself a Jet Pack and be hovering above the house ready to whisk Holly away into the night. Nah, I don't think he is that cool!

If he rides up the path on a skateboard, complete with knee/elbow pads and safety helmet I will not be able to control myself! Or in-line skates, which I know he has, cos he bought them when we were still together. For Holly's sake I am hoping he has lost them, no such luck I fear!

But what WOULD impress me much, is if he arrived at the house driving a wheelchair accessible car and was here to pick up Jack!

Now wouldn't that be something?

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