As I am writing this post, my lovely daughter Holly is working out to a children's yoga DVD.
I did intend to write about something else but this has just been way too funny not to share.
On this particular DVD, an older lady, accompanied by small kids, show you the moves. So as you can imagine, it is quite gentle exercise. Easy for most kids but we are talking about a girl who can't even do a roly poly for fear that she might break her neck! Did I fail to mention that not only is my girl a hypochondriac but she also is a total "paranoid Annie", so much so that I reckon it makes up at least 50% of her DNA.
She is also very tall, has been from an early age and so probably was quite justified really in worrying about doing anything gymnastic related, after all, most gymnasts are short, making it easier for them to flip their body around. But honestly, Holly is not in the least bit athletic.
At her first sports day, aged 5, she was in the sack race and I nearly fell off my seat, I was laughing so hard when she was jumping like a crazy frog and getting nowhere. The reason? She hadn't realised that she was supposed to jump forward so all she was doing was jumping up and down on the spot! Her wee face was puce with the effort and you could tell by the confused look she had, that she couldn't understand why she was never getting any closer to the finish line. One of her little friends shouted "Come on Holly" and then all the parents started chanting her name to encourage her. The Headmaster, realising if he didn't intervene, we would be here all day, ran behind her, picked her up and sprinted to the finish line. The crowd went nuts and were all like "aww how cute" and I could barely see for the tears of laughter running down my face! Bad bad mum.
Anyway back in the present, she is ten minutes into just the warm up and there are lots of mutterings and moans and groans. You would actually think she is being tortured! Little does she know, there is at least another 20 minutes of this before the end.
I am trying to concentrate on writing when I look up and she is in what looks like the "downward dog" position and she is talking to the lady on the screen while she is upside down saying "oh this is an easy one" but after a minute "oh my god, my arms! This isn't natural you know and how are you managing it, you're an old lady!". When it's time to get out of that position Holly slumps to the floor giving it "aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh, this is NOT normal, why would you want to get into that position anyway?"
I am trying really hard not to laugh but believe me it's not easy cos she looks so so funny. Instead I try to encourage her and soon she is getting into it and it is getting easier so I go back to my writing cos she's not entertaining me any more............boring!
I am so engrossed in reading other peoples blogs that it takes a while for the moans of pain to penetrate my brain. I look up to see Holly lying on her back with her legs up and thrown over her body, feet touching the floor just above her head. There is a lot of "oh my gods" and "aaaaaaahhhhhhs" going on and finally she is forced to straighten out her body. When she does, there is an almighty crack and she screeches " I think I have broken a vertebrae!". Wtf? Only a hypochondriac would even know where the hell that was I'm thinking, so I calmly said "nah it sounded more like one of your ribs!"
She was only joking, so when I said that, her head whipped round and out came Hypochondriac Girl and she's panic stricken saying "eh, you think, oh my god, I've broken a rib!!!!" I, being totally sympathetic, start laughing, especially when she tries to get up and fails dismally cos her back has now locked. As she is lying there trying to roll onto her side I cannot help for I am bent double with mirth and then she shouts "stop laughing, at this rate, you will have two children in wheelchairs" which then tips me over the edge and I am now rolling about in hysterics on the sofa.
Finally she manages to get up, with the help of the leg of Jack's hoist and she slumps down into a chair. Then her face crumples and she says in this very defeated voice "oh no, my water is over there and I just can't get up, this sucks" and she looks over at me for help but I am still wetting myself laughing! So up she gets, with great difficulty and just after she is about to take her second swig of the water, I make her laugh and she snorts and a big glob of snot comes out of her nose at great speed into her glass! She is crushed and I am once again helpless with laughter.
Are your kids meant to be this entertaining? Or is it just me? I have a feeling you are gonna say it's just me!
So suffice to say, sporty is not really a word that should be associated with Holly. Things never really got better after the sack race trauma and over the years she began to dread sports day and so did I cos I knew how much she hated it. I did eventually come up with a way to encourage her, I suggested that she get a small prize from me for every race that she didn't come LAST. She took me at my word and every June for about 3 years running, she fleeced me for all I was worth and I think it was karma for laughing at her sack racing début.
Yeah, well they say that "revenge is a dish best served cold" don't they.