I have spent the last week comforting my daughter who is going through some tough times with her boyfriend. She is only 16 but has been going out with him for nearly 2 years. He met a girl on holiday in Spain this summer and has booked to go and stay with her and her family in October, alone. Apparently she is just a FRIEND.
On the surface it would seem that way but since he came back from his holidays he has been distant and not interested in seeing Holly. She is distraught, angry and confused.
As I held her last night, my beautiful daughter a quivering mess in my arms, I felt helpless. Apart from holding her, soothing her and giving advice there is nothing I can do to take this pain away. Relationships are so very personal that when they go wrong the pain is yours and yours alone.
It's not like a bereavement, which can be shared with the people who loved the one you lost, it is something totally different and so very personal because it is rejection in all it's glory and all the feelings that go with it! This is true about any relationship whether it be with a lover, friend, family member, colleague. Everyone of us want to be liked and loved. We measure our worth by the people who love and care for us and become wounded and hurt when someone takes a dislike to us or falls out of love.
It is a funny thing that when a person hurts you, you automatically look inwards and blame yourself! It takes a long time before you see with fresh eyes that actually it isn't you, it's them.
Relationships are complicated because each person has a different view of what they are willing to put up with in a relationship, so what I would put up with, you might not and vice versa. I can only draw on my own experience to help Holly and considering what I put up with from her dad, I know for sure that I don't want that for her. At the same time, I can only guide her, not make the decisions for her and oh boy is this one of the hardest things a mum has to do!
My instincts are to kick his arse!!!! lol but I know that me doing that is so not gonna help, though it would make ME feel so much better!
Grudgingly though, I also realise that nothing is totally black and white, there is always a grey area and that there are two sides to every story.
With this in mind, I will continue to support her whatever she decides to do and grit my teeth and smile sweetly. Ooh that is gonna be an effort!
Now I know how my mum used to feel and I wish she was alive for me to discuss it with her.
Knowing her, she would probably wet herself laughing and regale me of stories re me and my many adventures into the world of boys. On second thoughts, maybe it's just as well she isn't around, I couldn't take the torture!!! :-)