Monday, 23 May 2011

I'm the fool here

Betrayal comes in many forms doesn't it?  And often at the hands of someone you least expect. For the last 2 months I have been coming to terms with a betrayal that has floored me.

Remember I told you about the visit to see Granda Mac whilst he was in hospital with his knee and their friend who was also visiting, who was quite rude to me? Well I shrugged that off because, well people have off days don't they?

Then about a month later (March), I was at a meeting hosted by the charity Enable re the cuts in the disability benefits and I met a lady there that had been a big influence in my life in the early years of Jack's initial diagnosis. She ran the special needs playgroup back then. After the meeting, she managed to grab me for a 5 minute catch up. Her first comment was "you didn't tell me that he'd gotten married again!" (He being, Father of the Year)  I laughed and said "yeah it's coming up to a year now but I haven't seen you to tell you, so who told you?"

"Granny Mac" was her reply. The conversation continued then I said that "he doesn't really see much of his kids these days, even Holly" which I knew would be a surprise to her because Holly was the only person he seemed to care about. She said that she knew he didn't see Jack because Granny Mac had told her "that Father of the Year's new wife would like to look after Jack but that I wouldn't allow it!  I was speechless because this is the first I have known about this. I asked "are you positive that she had said that?" and she answered that "yes, absolutely, because I then went on to defend your position as the mother of a child with such complex needs and how you couldn't possibly allow just anybody to look after Jack".

picture from here

I was absolutely incensed! How many other people has she told this utter nonsense to? No wonder her friend was rude to me at the hospital if they've been told this kinda crap. This is someone who comes into my house, is made welcome, knows what's going on in our lives and whom I have just learned to trust all over again after previous betrayals.  It took me a long time to get over them but get over them I did because I didn't want my feelings to impact on Holly and Jack's relationship with their Granny.

That was a Friday night. I took the whole weekend to calm down enough to challenge her about it. All she did was deny saying that even though I challenged "then why would she have had to defend me if you hadn't said that?" Then she did her usual, burst into tears and said she didn't want to be involved! WTF? Every time she opens her mouth she is involved! Then she blurted out that she was only repeating what Father of the Year had told her. So she had lied, she had said that.

I laughed, honestly, I did and I told her that I would welcome Father of the Year and his Bride's help and that would require him to be at my house morning and night for a period of about 6 months of intensive training before I would be confident that he was capable of looking after his son. Her face was a picture when I added " but you know that won't happen because he is not f**king interested! And what is wrong with that sentence anyway "his wife wants to look after Jack!" when surely it should be Father of the Year who wants to do it!

Since then, I have struggled to be normal with Granny Mac. I am furious, hurt, let down, sad but most of all I am angry at myself because she has once again lulled me into a false sense of security and I fell for it. Fool me once and it's your fault, fool me twice and it's mine. 

I know you are going to tell me that she is caught between myself and her son but it's not a position I have put her in. I don't mention him to her at all unless she brings him up which she does now and then. The reality is that she chooses to pass on the information that he gives her without getting the facts and not caring who she is hurting in the process. I truly don't think she realises that she hurts my children when they hear things about their mum that are untrue. I know that it is really affecting Holly's relationship with her.

In the end, I can't stop her saying things about me but I can stop her having access to me. So now when she comes to the house, I try to have as little time with her on my own as possible. I make small talk with her, nothing more, nothing less. 

It's not the way I want it to be but I no longer trust her and that, my friends, are the facts.


  1. Sorry to read this, Lynne...but I understand how let down you feel. You so don't need this xxx

  2. it is indeed a bummer when this happens. I thought that G Mac knew you better than this. Ok, slag you off if she must, but at least have the guts to say it to your face rather tahn go round the houses and make chaos as she goes.
    Sadly, things are said and sone by the people who are closest to us and often that hurts. No, damn, it hurts all the time. Been there done that and could almost give you dates and times and what i was wearing.
    I shudder to think what some have said about me (my mum, my siblings) Never, mind had trhe guts to tell me, but you'd get the odd snidey comment from family friends and the aunties. Usually like "worse things happen as sea" and " he's doing ok" and "there aare worse off than you" I often wondered who these mythical "Worse off than me" folk were! Ok, Peter doesn't have great health issues and he's mobile, but as you and others have said, it's just as hard cos p[eople expect him to behave in a cartain way (like a 21 yo)and when he doesn't, well........
    I've always admired you Lynne for keeping in touch with Granny Mac - a lot of women would have blanked his whole family, but you didn't. But at what cost - her making stories and half truths sound like truth.
    You know i'm always here if you need top vent, or pour a bottle or 5 down the phone to you! Chin up - you're a better person!

  3. OMG Lynne you surely have enought to deal with without this kind of BS in your life. Sorry stuff like this happens but it does. Keep a smile on that beautiful face and don't let her ruin your day or week. Tell your awesome teens I said HEY.

  4. Hi there Lynne. It really is a bummer when this sort of thing happens. It can make you so angry, and quite rightly so. This is just not on. She is well aware of just how much you have to cope with, and she should not behave like this, even though Father of the Year (NOT!!) is her son. She really should know better, and I'm afraid that I have little sympathy. You don't deserve this kind of thing. I think you are doing exactly the right thing now. Try not to let it eat into you my friend.

  5. grrrr on your behalf Lyndy.

    It is too bad that Granny doesn't see the gift that you have given her by not cutting her out of your family's life after the split with FOTY.

    But she has to be pretty darn dumb [sorry] to say such a thing about you and the people that believe it are just as dumb [sorry]. Seriously - I think it is a matter of not just ANYONE can care for darling Jack and people should realize that.

    You certainly don't deserve any of this [as This said too] you are too sweet and caring for folks to be this way.

    Stay lovely my friend and try to be above it. I know that is hard, but we know who is the kinder person here.

  6. The people closest to us hurt us the most. It's very hard to forgive, I know. My mother is that way. She tells people things that aren't true and when I ask her about them, she blames it on one of my sisters! Her own children! I stay mad for a while, but eventually I get over it but I always remember to never ever tell her anything I don't want anyone to know.

  7. The reason I left New Jersey and moved to Connecticut was because of my mother and all the gossip she stirred repeatedly. Once I left, then she wasn't in my daily business and she only knew what I told her. When she would begin to gossip about my brothers, I would cut her short and say "Mom, I don't want to hear it". I can so understand how you feel. People just need to stop worrying about others lives and focus on their own.

  8. Eternal Optimist - No I definitely don't.
    Julie - I know what you mean and yes the cost has become too high
    Odie - I am still smiling, I refuse to let her spoil my week
    Thisisme - I am trying to let it go now
    SkippyMom - so well said!
    Jumble Mash - I am getting like that, having to watch what I say
    Bouncin' Barb - so so true

  9. My exes family are now speaking to me again as they understand now what I was trying to deal with. But it's usually only small talk/arrangements/crisis phone calls. They don't see Smiley, even though the grandparents are her godparents - ex-MIL was very supportive when she was little. I tend to think that blood will out and they will always put their own children first (hugs)

  10. Looking for Blue Sky - I am beginning to think that way too.

  11. :( I'm sorry Lyndy that is so not cool.


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