Smiling Through The Sadness

I started off this week feeling quite sad but by the end of the week, I was smiling.

I was sad because I was remembering my nephew, Derek, who died 11 years ago this week as the result of a tragic accident.

His death tore a big hole through the heart of our family and we never properly healed, we've just all learned to live with it in different ways.

He was such a great kid.  Beautiful dark eyes, eyelashes to die for, cheeky smile and often up to mischief.  He was a typical boy, into everything, fearless, always covered in cuts and bruises but he was happy.  That's how I remember him and today if he'd been able to stay with us, I think he would have been one of those guys who are effortlessly cool and so so handsome with girls hanging on his every word. 

Jack is a lot like him in looks. Holly adored him but being six years older than her, he struggled to be interested in this 4 year old with her pretty pictures of ballerinas and fairies but she didn't take it personally just trailed around after him, talking ten to the dozen bugging his happiness! He was extremely patient with her though and even had an interest in Jack, who was just a baby and didn't "do anything" but sleep and poop!

His favourite member of my family though, was my dog Hoggle.  Named after the dwarf in the movie Labyrinth.  She was a "Heinz 57"dog, you know the kind, made up of a few varieties but the most daft, crazy loveable dog you could ever meet. They were inseparable when they were at my house.  He would climb into her bed and cuddle up beside her, she would knock him over with enthusiasm when we were out for a walk and he would show he'd forgiven her by feeding her his lunch under the table when he thought I wasn't looking! The love certainly went both ways.                                                                                        

I miss them.I would like to think that they are both together now, causing mayhem and mischief and making people smile, with my mum looking on, shaking her head and laughing.

As the week has progressed, through being out and about, I have met and chatted to a few people and discovered that they too are suffering heartache or just struggling with life itself.

I talked to a girl I know,  in the next street and discovered that her dad had died a few months back, ironically from the same illness my mum had, Motor Neurone Disease.  As I walked away after chatting a while, I got to thinking that you really can't tell what is going on in people's lives because we all put on such a brave face.

It reminded me of a  time when I had gotten Jack out of hospital after his first seizure.  I was back home, in shock, staring out the window when a girl walking down the street caught my eye.  She was smiling to herself and looked so happy that I just wanted to smack her one!  I really had to fight the urge to run outside like a mad woman and yell and scream at her that I scared myself!  How could she be smiling when my world was crashing?

Later, when I was telling my mum this story, she was in hysterics at the vivid picture I had painted for her of me going ballistic at this poor unsuspecting girl but what made her laugh more was the fact that I had said that "of course, I would have asked her first, if her life was as peachy as it looked, cos you can't judge a book by it's cover and if she'd answered yes, then hell mend her!"  

Obviously I never attacked said victim and am not usually prone to such violence but in my head, she got the thrashing of her life!!! I had to take it out on someone!

It's true we all hide behind our smiles and it's not til you start to chat to someone that you discover so much. 

I have enjoyed these chats cos they have bolstered me up and made me feel less alone.  That and the fact that I have had TWO visits this week from my friend with perks.............ENOUGH SAID!

Then this morning, my gorgeous boy gave me the biggest smiles I have had in 4 years and my heart grew two sizes to big for a short time. I can't begin to tell you how important those smiles were for me this week and they were genuine, not seizure related in anyway!  It was truly amazing, what a wee star.

Then later on in the afternoon, being child free, I went to a craft fair at our local library. There were some beautiful things there and I could have spent an absolute fortune, if I'd had it but no such luck.

I did buy two little gifts for Jack's teachers by a lady who does the coolest cartoon characters on canvas.  Her painting are so bright and colourful that they just make you smile.  She sells her stuff at http://www.notonthehighstreet.com/withlovebypjb/product/flutterbyebye and they are very cool.

Above is an example of her stuff.  It's quite pricey on the web but you get it much cheaper if you contact her direct and she will paint whatever you like and also personalise them, so let me know if you want her email address.  Holly and Jack both have her pictures in their bedrooms and they do make me smile when I walk into their rooms.

I also met a lady who makes magnets and door plaques.  They were very pretty and some had some ironic sayings on them.  When we got to chatting, she told me that she started making them after she had a nervous breakdown.  She was an anaesthetist at our local hospital but never went back.  She had to keep her mind and hands busy so she started making these little magnets.  I was truly blown away by her honesty and once again was thinking, you just don't know what people are going through!
 

Above is a sample of little magnetic tiles from her website.  They are so cute.  She also can personalise them and change the colours.  She had these cool ones that you could just stick on the fridge at your friends houses as you leave, after maybe being over for a meal and drinks, which said what a great time you'd had.  Cool ideas.  Her name is Anne and this is her website www.artinkulate.co.uk

By the time I left the craft fair, I was a bit poorer but smiling from ear to ear.  It had been a good day.  And it got even better cos we went to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows part 1 and it was ace.  The best part was, Jack didn't have a seizure at all through the entire film and kept raising his right hand and waving it in the air every time Lord Voldermort appeared on screen!  I think he was trying to cast a spell on him, my clever clever boy.