I have been seeing a healer recently as I am so damn exhausted, so much so that I feel as if I have been walking through treacle for so many many months. Last time I saw the healer, Sonia, she said that I was holding everything in and I had to let it all out.
The problem is that when you lurch from one crisis to the next with your child, you are so busy being strong that there isn't time or space to rest and recharge. On top of that you have normal life kicking you when you're down and you just have to cope cope cope.
Every time Jack has come out of hospital, I have lost a little bit more of the child he was. I feel like I am on this constant roller coaster of grieving but there is no end, no 7 steps to go through til I feel better!
So in an effort to cry away this grief that is just sitting on my chest, crushing me, Holly and I decided to watch a weepy movie.
We trawled through our collection and came up with Bridge to Teribithia which made us cry at the cinema. The movie was just as good as we remembered and when it was getting close to the sad bit, I looked over and Holly was sitting there with the lippy trembling, eyes filled with tears and that tipped me over the edge!
So there we were, sitting on opposite sides of the room bawling our eyes out, so much so that I didn't think I could get breath when suddenly Holly said "Mum, I don't think I like this soul cleansing stuff at all". I laughed and said through my tears "what you on about? Soul cleansing?"
By this time, both our faces were blotchy and tear streaked and she said "you know, what the healer said, about letting it all out! Well I'd rather have a dirty soul than endure this regular soul cleansing stuff!"
At which point I exploded into fits of giggles, tears blinding me and I thought I was gonna fall off the blinkin' sofa!!! Over she came and we were hugging, laughing and crying and OH MY GOD it was the best soul cleansing I had ever experienced!