Thursday, 1 September 2011

Nasty little beasties

As I said before, I have an absolute terror of wasps.

I've been stung once, under my arm and it was like an electric shock surged up my arm. I was sitting on the bus at the time and one of my sisters, Kathleen, nearly fell off her seat laughing as I was clutching my arm and my chest, thinking I was having a heart attack!

Years ago, I was chased by wasps whilst I was trying to enjoy an ice lolly in the park with Father of the Year and Holly, who was about 2 at the time. I tried to bat at them but they took no notice, so I tried to move out of their way but they kept following me, persistent little buggers.

In the end, after being dived bombed by about half a dozen of the nastly little things, I took off running, wasps in hot pursuit and the laughter of Father of the Year ringing in my ears! Realising that I wasn't able to shake the little f**kers, I took desperate measures and chucked my ice lolly over my shoulder as I ran. Within seconds they had descended on my poor discarded lolly and I was able to stop my attempt at beating the world record for the 60 metre sprint!

I was traumatised! Meanwhile Father of the Year is nearly ending himself laughing and Holly is giving me a row for dropping litter!

I don't know how I developed this phobia but I do remember my Mum being terrified of them and was often to be seen, screeching and leaping about, flapping her hands at the wee beasties and we, her kids, would think it was hysterically funny. She hated spiders too, which would also explain the spider phobia!

Who would have thought these wee beasties could cause so much trauma?

My worst encounter with wasps came about just after I passed my driving test.  I didn't learn to drive til I was 28 as I lived in a big city and the buses service was so good, you didn't need to drive. Then I moved back home after having Cancer and I realised how difficult life was in a smaller town and no car.

So I had passed my driving test 3 months previously, was 3 months pregnant with Holly and life was good.
My sister lived in the seaside town of Lossiemouth and she'd asked me to pick up my nephew Derek (who was 5) from school and take him back to our Mum's house.

It was only a short journey (8 mile round trip) and it was a lovely day so after picking up Derek, I took him down to the waterfront to get us an ice cream. I had our dog with us and Derek was giving her lots of attention while I bought the ice creams.

I had only a little bit of my ice cream left so I started up the car and headed home.  There were roadworks on the road out of town so were were going pretty slow, about 30 miles an hour and we'd the windows down and Derek was chatting away.  We'd only been on the road about 5 mins when this wasp flew in my window and started to buzz about my face. Frozen with terror, I whacked it with my hand and it fell to the floor between my legs!

I could still here it buzzing so I knew the little bugger wasn't dead and was just so terrified that it would crawl up my leg, so I started stamping all over that area with my foot. This took place over a matter of seconds and then I heard Derek's little voice crying out "Auntie Lynne!" in a traumatised voice and I looked up to see us hurtling towards the back of a lorry which had stopped at the road works lights.

I braked like crazy but it wasn't enough cos then there was an almighty bang and the front of my car was crumpled, like it was made of paper. I sat stunned for all of 10 seconds, then asked Derek if he was all right and got out of the car.

I opened the back door to check on my pooch, who nearly knocked me over in her haste to get out and proceeded to run about like a whirling dervish all over the road, with me in hot pursuit!

I finally caught her and then got Derek out of the car. By this time, the workmen from the water lorry, which coincidently did not so much as have a friggin scratch on it had come out to investigate the "little bump" they'd  felt and the subsequent noise.

Little bump? Little bump? WTF? It sounded like someone had ripped the front of my car off from where I was sitting! Once they'd realised that my car was a mess and their lorry wasn't they offered to drive us into town and they very helpfully moved my car onto the grass verge at the side of the road.

I was shaking like a leaf, tearful and totally traumatised but I couldn't help notice how excited Derek was at getting a ride in the lorry. He was first in the cab and they asked me to lift the dog up into it and that's when I blurted out that I couldn't lift that high cos I was pregnant. Next thing, the dog, much against her will, was being unceremoniously hoisted into the cab and I was last to get in.

The guys were really nice but all I could do was cry! Meanwhile Derek is nudging me and telling me how cool this was, how much fun and how he couldn't wait to tell his pals at school the next day!  He asked the guys lots of questions while I wondered how the hell I'd gotten here. That F**king wasp!!!!

I spent the next 5 days recovering from whiplash. I was also bleeding and they suspected a miscarriage so I was sent home to wait it out. My trauma knew no bounds and for days I kept thinking that I could have killed my nephew. He on the other hand was telling this story to everyone and anyone who would listen and he was in his element! Wee bugger!

When it came to filling out the insurance forms, the question "whose fault was it" came up so I put "the wasp"  and I thought Father of the Year was gonna die laughing! WTF?

Seems the wasp couldn't be responsible cos it didn't own a drivers licence!!!!


  1. I'm sorry but you had me laughing hysterically in between saying, "OH NO!"

  2. Very funny stories - I hate all stinging, biting creatures too. I'm glad none of you were hurt

  3. You certainly know how to tell a good story, LyndyLou! Like you, I hate wasps - horrible little things, and they can be so dangerous. I can see the point of bees, but wasps - ?! Good post, and really made me smile.

  4. Yes it was a funny story but I am sure it was not funny to you at the time. It's amazing how much fear one of those little things can put into a full grown human. I haven't been stung in a very long time and I want to keep it that way.

  5. And they say that mobile phones in cars are dangerous?

  6. oohh...I was cringing the whole way through your story!! In between laughing of course! A wasp in a car? Between your legs? My worst fear used to be the wasp just getting into the car... now I have another fear.....aaarrrggghhh!!

    xx Jazzy

  7. It was the wasp's fault. I'll stand by you in a court of soon as I quit laughing.


  8. I'm with you- I hate wasps. I think you should sue the evil little thing, too. Why do we need wasps in this world???

  9. I share your hate of the nasty things and I am allergic to bees so get really nervy when I hear a buzz. My youngest hates them too which led to a very amusing moment on a trip to Tasmania once

  10. I'm sorry but I couldn't stop laughing! I think you need a little can of Raid or something in your purse. Forget the mace!!!

  11. LMAO! That is great. Funny how we all have our silly littly phobias.. Mine are chickens.. I know that sounds reDICKulous, but it is true.

  12. I hate wasps, too. Up until this summer, we've had the stupid things buzz us, right above our bed, in the mornings for the last 10 years! I have no idea how we weren't stung.

    I can totally understand why you were terrified! And I would almost think that would qualify as an "act of God" with the insurance company.

    Glad you, your nephew and your dog all ended up being okay!

  13. Oh,you made me laugh☆
    Yes, SO scary, aren't they.....
    I cannot forget my childhood experience having chaced by some normal sized bees.
    well, I LOVE your illustrations!!!
    LOVE, your friend, Orchid.

  14. EmptyNester - tee hee hee I forgive you :)
    Belle - horrible beasties for sure
    Thisisme - wasps are the devils children! LOL
    Odie - some people reckon I have an irrational fear but it feels totally rational to me
    Looking for Blue Sky - yeah who knew eh
    Jazzygal - oops, sorry to give you something more to worry about! LOL
    Sush - thank you, the voice of reason ;)
    Shelley - I ask myself that many times
    Mynx - no wonder you get nervy!
    Lizbeth - lol I know, all that worry about being attacked and I never reckoned on being attacked by a a teeny beastie!
    Kellie - chickens??? LOL
    Judy - above your bed? WTF! There would be no way on earth you would get me into that bed with wasps above it!!!
    Orchid - very scary! Chased by bees? That is the stuff of nightmares

  15. As a beekeeper I am always correcting people who refer to all flying, stinging insects as BEES. Bee stings don't hurt nearly as much as wasp stings And I'm with you, a wasp in the car is terror!


Laughter is the best medicine and it's free. Thanks for visiting my blog and I look forward to hearing from you.

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