As I see it

My friend, Angie, sent me a text a few months ago suggesting that I do a post on my blog, if it wasn't too painful, on having cancer and the subsequent treatment.  She felt since I had helped her so much that it was only fair of her to share me!!!

Now when I had cancer, at the tender age of 24, so traumatised was I by the whole situation that I wanted nothing to do with helping other people going through something similar.  In fact when I was well enough, I started running as fast as I bloody well could in the opposite direction of anything remotely to do with cancer.

Twenty years later, the memories are still as fresh today as they were then. At the time I was given 6 months to a year to live but I was not ready to bloody leave yet, too much mischief to get up to still.

Unfortunately I couldn't outrun the little bugger and it came back to bite me on the ass when 2 of my friends were diagnosed with cancer within months of each other and then my sister was diagnosed not long after.

So what advice and knowledge did I pass on?  Mmmmmmmmmmmm well let's see.  My advice was at times a bit off the wall and of course, brutally honest.

So here it is, in no particular order, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of having cancer and subsequent treatment.

1)   If a junior doctor is having trouble getting a needle in your vein after the 7th try in vein no 7, you are perfectly within your rights to scream at them through your tears demanding he gets someone who knows what they are doing! Hell even after the 3rd time, start screaming your head off!!!

2)   Yes that is a vein on the inside of your wrist and believe me they are not afraid to use it.

3)   I don't know how, or why but you will take an ill will to one person during your illness.  They don't have to have done anything, in fact are completely innocent of wrong doing but every word they utter, everything they do will piss you off royally.  You know it is totally unreasonable but you just can't help it.

4)   The first dose of chemo is so easy that it lulls you into thinking that the rest of the treatment is gonna be like that.  Not so.

5)   Losing your hair is the most traumatic of experiences but once it is gone, it's gone and hey you wouldn't believe the amount of money you save on hair products!  A fortune, believe me.

6)   If a doctor is in the middle of giving you chemo and you start to 'up chuck', when he scoots back in his chair to avoid said spewings, remember to follow him because you are still attached to him via a butterfly needle! lol

7)   Being sick is the most lonely feeling in the world.

8)   You never knew how important your eyebrows where for putting on make-up until now!!

9)    Your bladder takes a heck of a beating when you are being violently sick.

10)  All that pressure on your bladder causes it to become "sensitive" and you think you need the loo every 10/15 mins.

11)  You don't have to suffer for 18 years like me, cos there are pills for this!

12)  When wearing your wig, try really hard not to scratch underneath it too often as the middle parting ends up half way down your head!

13)  You don't think that you are ever going to feel beautiful again but you will.

14)  Having piles, thrush and mouth ulcers all at the same time doesn't bode well for 'his' chances of having any kind of sex!

15)  When your doctor mistakes your best friend for you, then tells her that her blood results are ok so she can have her next chemo, don't correct him like I did cos if just one person could take a doze of the lethal stuff for you, it would be amazing!

16)  Fear becomes your nemesis, it haunts you, lurks behind you and keeps you awake at night.

17)  Visualisation is one of your most powerful tools. I used to imagine my chemo was like lots of little pac men zooming around my body munching up the the bad cancer cells.  It really helps.

18)  My consultant at the time told me that having a positive mental attitude counts towards about 70% of your treatment and the chemo/radiotherapy makes up the rest.

19)  If someone suggests a faith healer to you don't automatically poo poo the idea. They don't interfere with your treatment, are non invasive and real faith healers don't charge you for their services plus having another weapon in your armoury in your battle against cancer can't do any harm.

20)  When someone you know dies of the cancer you have, it can be totally devastating as your fear becomes overwhelming and panic can set it.  Just because they have the same kind of cancer as you, it will present differently so no two cancers are the exactly the same.

21)  Once you have fought an illness like cancer, you are never the same.  It changes you and things that seemed important no longer are.  Friends and family often find it hard to adjust.

22)  Your tolerance for people who moan about a cough or cold is at an all time low and really they'd better get the fuck away from you cos you have a lowered immune system and could die from their sniffles!

23)  One of the long term side affects of your treatment is that you can be badly affected by smells.  My stomach still turns when I smell the perfume Poison cos it is strong and sweet smelling and reminds me of the smell of my chemo concoction!  I also can't stand the smell of hospital canteens, have been known to turn green at the smell and be sick.

24)  Drip stands become the devil and can make you queasy just to look at them.

25)  Once you have had the all clear, everyone wants to celebrate but all you want to do is cry.  Cos once the fighting is over for you, there is nothing to hold back the fear which you will have to live with for the next few years til you are so many years clear. It's like your very own rain cloud hanging above your head.

26)  Every ache, pain, lump will put you on high alert and send you into orbit. In my case, I spent many a time peering down my mum's throat to see if hers looked like mine and was not amused when she cracked up laughing because she had had her tonsils removed and that's why she didn't have the same lumps at either side of her throat as me! Bitch! lol

27)  Your skin can become really sensitive and you may have to go for more natural products. If you've lost your hair, remember to moisturise your scalp as it can become quite dry.

28)  If you lose your hair you will be amazed by how much heat you lose from your head without your hair.

29)  Your heating bills will get quite high because sometimes during chemo you just can't seem to keep warm. Bed socks are brilliant for keeping your feet warm as they are much thicker and great for wearing around the house. Also sewing scarfs onto turbans/hats can really help keep your neck and head warm.

30)  The hardest thing about dealing with cancer is the huge emotional impact it has on your life.  You use all your energy to lurch from one chemo to the next and you push all your emotions down and squash them into a small container in your mind, snap the lid on and forget about them.

31)  The problem with this is that you keep having to do this, so there becomes a build up and the container lid starts to strain under the pressure and when you least expect it, the pressure lifts the lid and you can't hold back the tears.  But you only cry enough to relieve the pressure so there is little relief.

32)  You are frightened that if you truly let go then you will never be able to stop those painful, gut wrenching heart breaking tears and you will lose control.  We hold on so tight to our emotions because when you are going through an illness like cancer, this is the only control you have.

33)  No matter how tough things get, laughter is still the best medicine.

34)  Hugs are the best therapy but people are often afraid to touch you cos they see you as being so fragile.

35)  If you are crying, everyone can cry but if you are smiling, they have to follow your lead.


So there you have it, Cancer from a patient's point of view. So if you know anyone with cancer and I am sure you do, then let them read it, bet they recognise so much of their own experience on this page and it will help families who feel helpless too, cos they will know now just how much strength it actually takes daily to keep smiling and positive.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Today, 20 years ago, I had my first dose of Chemotherapy.  This is a long post, so bear with me.

I had been in hospital a month and finally the treatment was starting.  I remember the date cos it was my ex husbands birthday.

I had  been ill for awhile, about a year in total, suffering from extreme tiredness and weight gain.  It started just before my wedding the September before.  I went to the doctors and they reassured me that it was just the stress of organising a wedding.  But it didn't ease up and by that Christmas I had put on 3 stone!  Major trauma! Mr Blobby didn't have a look in!


By May of 1990 I was literally putting one foot in front of the other and sleeping all the time.  I saw the doctors more often than I saw my friends! Then I found a pea sized lump in my neck.  I was told I had swollen glands, then glandular fever then tonsillitis!  I was trying for a baby and was reassured that this was nothing serious and it was ok to keep trying.

The lump kept getting bigger but was growing inwards rather than outwards.  I could feel it inside my mouth.  Then I fell pregnant.  I should have been over the moon, which, don't get me wrong I was but instinctively I knew something bad was gonna happen.  Pregnancy hormones played havoc on my body and the lump then grew at an alarming rate.

I could actually open my mouth and you could see this "thing" pulsing in my throat.  It reminded me of the blob that Kelly le Brock turns Wyatt's brother into in the movie Weird Science! 

Finally, in September a GP sent me to the hospital for a Fine Needle Aspiration.  At this point I was so sick, literally, I could keep nothing down and the lump was cutting off my breathing.  I was like the elephant man, if I lay down to sleep, I couldn't breathe so had to sleep sitting up! No mean feat I'll have you know and really I should add that to my list of useless talents!

One Fine N Aspiration and 10 questions later and I knew that we were dealing with something serious, which was no surprise to me cos I had been trying to tell the docs for months.

A week later I was in hospital for another F N Aspiration cos the first one was inconclusive and maybe a biopsy.  I was just supposed to be in for the day so I went alone.  They did the aspiration test again and within an hour they came back and the surgeon pulled up a chair. He told me that I definitely had a tumour, that they were going to now take a biopsy to determine how bad it was but that it was dangerous to have an anaesthetic because of the baby so they would do it under local!  I was terrified.  Ten minutes later they had me in a gown and I was being wheeled into surgery.

The weirdest thing about having a local anaesthetic is that you feel it but it's not painful.  They covered my face so that I couldn't see them cutting etc and someone held my hand.  There was lots of tugging and cutting and at one point I screamed cos they had cut into a bit that hadn't frozen but they quickly topped up my anaesthetic and it was alright after that.

Back on the ward, I think I was in a bit of shock cos everything had happened so quickly.  In the afternoon I called my mum and broke the news to her and she cried.  I called my boss to tell him that I wouldn't be at work the next day and he was extremely pissed off! Two totally different reactions, I had to laugh.

That night, the nurses questioned me closely cos they didn't think that I had taken in the fact that I had a tumour.  I had, but I had been ill for so long that I was just so chuffed that someone was finally listening and doing something about it!  I was ecstatic!

The next day, my mum came through and along with my husband, we went home to Elgin for the weekend.  It was a surreal weekend.  My sisters and brothers were all gutted at this turn of events but I just kept smiling and laughing, being my usual self.

I spent the next 3 weeks in hospital, had a further biopsy and then the day of reckoning arrived.

Kathy was up visiting and we were rolling about laughing on the bed cos she had nearly fainted at the doctors having a plaster removed from a cut when two very official, sombre looking guys appeared at my bedside with a nurse.  They asked could they talk to me in private and I knew that my world was now crashing.

I came back about 45 minutes later and basically they had pulled no punches.  I had Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, had about 6 months to a year to live, couldn't keep the baby as wouldn't live long enough to give birth and so therefore required an immediate termination, body scan, 12 doses of intense chemo and 4 weeks of radio therapy.  They wanted to start immediately.  Ok, ok, stop the bus here.  Right, I know I am ill and I have wanted you to believe me but hey I wasn't planning on being this bloody ill, WTF???  Did you have to take me this seriously???

The day before the termination, I had a major wobble and just couldn't do it, wouldn't do it even!  My poor mum was distraught, crying and hugging me, telling me that I was HER BABY and she would do anything to keep me whereas she hadn't met my baby yet so her priority was me.  It struck a chord and I calmed down a bit.

I refused to go to the Maternity ward to have the termination so they took me from the ENT ward.  On the morning of the op, I had to have an x ray of my neck and an ultrasound on my stomach.  The lady doing the ultrasound asked me did I want to see the baby and I said no but then changed my mind.  I lay there watching that screen with tears running down my cheeks, privately saying goodbye and begging forgiveness to this tiny baby.  A couple of hours later, it was all over but still I didn't cry.

I lay listening to the two girls across from me reading their horoscopes out to each other.  When they realised I was awake, they asked me what star sign I was and I told them to guess.  They went through them all, avoiding the C word and when they had no other option but to say it, the looks on their faces made me laugh so much it hurt!  Yes my star sign was bloody Cancer, how fucking ironic! and the horoscope for that day was totally bang on! An hour later I had to use the commode as they wouldn't let me walk to the loo, that's when I saw all the blood and totally fell apart!

Five days later, I was lying flat on my back, traumatised after having had a body scan and two bone marrow samples take, one from my spine and one from my chest.  I was so bloody sore, pissed of and feeling right sorry for myself when in walks the Chaplain's assistant.  Oh sweet Jesus, this was all I needed!  So she sat there prattling on about how you only get what you can cope with and this was God's will and that I had to suffer cos this was all part of his plan and I totally lost it.

I told her what I thought of her God at this precise moment and her too in the finest language I could muster.....fuck, fucking and bastard spring to mind and the air was blue.  I have never forgotten the shocked and horrified expression on her face when I told her to "get the fuck out of my room" and if she ever dared to come near me again "she would rue the day!"

Twenty minutes later a nurse peeked in the door, waving what looked like a white flag and asking was it safe to come in.  I was mortified but the nurses thought this was the funniest thing they had ever heard and couldn't stop laughing,  It was pretty funny and suffice to say I never did see her again but I did read in the paper years later that the Chaplain of the hospital had run off with the Chaplain's assistant so I definitely think I was a positive influence on her, not!

Two days later I started Chemo.  The first one wasn't that bad, piece of piss if I am honest despite the fact that I am terrified of needles!

There is so much more to this story, I could write all day but suffice to say as I am writing this 20 years later, I SURVIVED!  Aye your shocked aren't you, you weren't expecting that little twist to the story?  lol  In the words of my lovely mother, who will be laughing up there right now as I type, "only the good die young and you have far too much mischief to do yet and anyway if you were even thinking about dying, we would just hold onto your hands and pull you back up!"

I was like "awww mum" then said" but don't you mean you would be holding onto my feet and pulling me back down?"  At which point she cracked up laughing saying " you don't seriously think you are going up there do ya?  You are far to wicked for that!".  Such faith huh?

Oh to be loved, warts and all.

So if you can remember that far back, what were you doing 20 years ago today?  Hope you were having a fucking better day than me, for sure!

The Big C

My wee sister has breast cancer. She has only one more chemo to go and then it's on to radiotherapy, which is equally hard going but in a totally different way.

I knew she had lost her hair but as the wig she has been wearing is so natural looking, I had been fooled into thinking that she had been saved that trauma. That was until a few weeks ago when she asked did I want to see her without her hair. This was a huge thing for her to do as her hair was always her crowning glory! She never left the house unless it was just right.

I tried really hard to not show my emotions when she removed her wig but as my face is so expressive, it totally let me down. To me she was still the same just minus the hair and she had this luminous beauty about her It brought back so many feelings that it kinda took my breath away. I quickly headed into the kitchen to make tea and get a hold of myself.

After we'd had our tea and she had left, I was so out of sorts and tearful. She is the third person in a short time, who I am close to, who has been diagnosed with cancer. Both my friends, Angie and Maureen have been through it in the last year. Although their cancers were different types, the story is the same. They both endured numerous painful operations and the horrendous painful recovery, coupled with chemo it didn't make for a fun time. Angie didn't lose her hair but Maureen did.

Maureen was very proactive and had her head shaved for charity. I was totally traumatised! lol

You see, I have had cancer. I was 24 when I was diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. The diagnosis was not good but with chemo and radiotherapy I had a chance.

I knew I was gonna lose my hair cos while I was in the hospital the "wig person" came to see me. My hair was long, past my shoulders and so she tried to get me a wig that matched my hair. I was so not impressed! lol

Like my wee sister, my hair was my crowning glory. I was a Head Receptionist in a hotel and that required me to look my best so I never went anywhere without the hair looking glossy and lush and my face made up. It used to drive my friends crazy cos I was always late for a night out cos I would be busy sorting the hair or make-up. I'm reading this and thinking that it makes me sound vain but I totally wasn't. I guess that it was because I didn't feel like I had the greatest figure so I made more effort with my hair and face.

I wasn't able to go back to work after starting my chemo, just as well cos within a week of my first dose, my hair was starting to fall out and boy there was a lot of it. After finding so much of it in the shower and in the bed, I decided in my infinite wisdom to get it cut short.

So I got Pam, who worked at the hotel but who used to be a hairdresser to cut it short. She really didn't want to do it and the two of us were crying but I was insistent. The end result was pretty cute and at least then there wouldn't be so much hair to clog up the shower.

It was just before my second chemo that my boss and the hotel owner asked me to lunch to discuss my illness. I was all dressed up and trying to gel my hair but soon realised it was a no go when I ended up having more hair stuck to my fingers than gel in my hair. The more I tried to get it off the more the hair kept getting stuck! lol Abandoning the gel, I headed out to the hotel.

During lunch, I was sitting between the boss, Jimmy and the owner, Louigi. Everytime one of them spoke, I would turn to look at them. After a short time I became aware of little piles of hair collecting on my shoulders with every turn of my head. I was completely mortified but they just brushed it away and told me to stop moving my head! I think one of them even moved so I wouldn't have to. It was hilarious and traumatising at the same time.

Later that week my mum was through to see me and I had just had my second chemo and OMG I felt rough. So there we were, me lying on the sofa, doing my dying duck routine and my mum sitting beside me stroking my head. That was ok at first but then she was creating a nice pile of my hair on the floor and I now had a bald patch in the middle of my forehead. I remember saying that I think she should stop now otherwise I would be bald by tea time. Next thing we were laughing hysterically and crying with laughter although let me tell you, it was so not funny.

My hair finally lost its grip on my head on the 15th December 1990. I remember that date cos it was the day of the Christmas party that Allan's work was holding. I had been determined to go wearing my own hair but it wasn't to be.

I was given a hair net to wear in my bed for collecting the masses of hair I was losing and when I got up that morning, it was a Saturday so Allan was at home, the first thing I did was take off the hair net. To be honest, I didn't even look in it to see how much hair had come out but just carried on watching the TV. About 3pm Allan ran me a bath and after it cooled a bit I headed into the bathroom, looking forward to a long soak. We had a big mirror in the bathroom and it was all steamed up so I gave it a wipe and to my horror saw that most of my hair was gone! I let out a scream and Allan came running in, he was waiting for this cos obviously he had seen it and was just waiting for this moment. I couldn't stop crying but eventually got a grip and had a proper look.

It hadn't all come out but now I looked like an old man who was sporting a comb over and had a stripe of hair from the top of my ear to the bottom of my neck, all the way round and I just looked like Rab C Nesbitt off the TV. The only thing missing was the string vest!!!

I spent that hour in the bath, crying and pulling out the rest of my hair til there was nothing left.

That night at the Christmas party,I was really self concious but everyone was very nice and one particular lady said how surprised she was at how good I looked and wasn't I lucky to have not lost my hair! I nearly choked on my drink cos there was no way this wig on my head could be disguised as real hair.

Anyway it soon became apparent that it wasn't when I started dancing and every part of me moved except my hair! Oh correction it did move just not in the way you would expect as you see the damn thing was quite itchy and it got so bad that I had to lift the wig and have a scratch underneath. After doing this a few times, the parting on my wig was soon half way down the side of my head instead of in the middle and Allan had to sort it! Tee hee hee

I only wore it a couple of times after that. The last time was to go Christmas shopping with my mate Kathy and we had to have quite a lot of pit stops for tea as I got so tired, just as well cos it was only then that she would get a good look at my wig and would have to sort it as I'd been scratching again. She used to make me laugh cos she would look around to see if anyone was looking first before she would "fix" me.

The wig is still in use to this day, Allan gave it to his mate as part of his best man speech cos Topper was starting to lose his hair. It went down a storm and to the best of my knowledge the wig still makes the odd appearance now and then usually when there is alcohol involved :-)

I preferred to go without it and wore a turban instead. Being bald had it's perks, it was really useful for keeping my neices and nephew away from the Christmas presents underneath the tree cos I used to threaten to show them my baldy head if they didn't leave them alone!!

Really effective I might add. God I am wicked!