Thursday, 23 September 2010

Friends with Perks!

This week, just for fun, I put the subject of this blog in your capable hands and you, my Facebook friends decided that you wanted to know about my "friend with perks".

For those of you not in the know, a friend with perks is a male/female friend that a person has sex with but it doesn't follow the "normal" relationship rules. This type of friendship is also known as Friends with Benefits or Fuck Buddies!

After I separated from my ex, the hurtful comments he made about me still echoed in my head and taunted me every time I looked in the mirror. Therefore in my mind, there was no way on this earth I was ever having another man in my life and anyway, why would he want me!

Before his affair with a woman in Azerbijan, my ex used to be always asking me to go out there to see him but after, when we tried to patch things up he stopped. When I asked him why he no longer wanted me to go there he said "well you see, the women in Azerbijan are beautiful, and I don't want you to feel insecure!" I took that to mean that I most definitely wasn't beautiful and my self esteem took a real battering, that coupled with the comment that " women in Azerbijan don't have normal births, they have caesarean births so that they keep themselves tight for their men!" Wtf? So not only was I not beautiful but was he saying it was like throwing a tennis ball up an alley??? Oh geez thanks for that!

So you can imagine, I was NEVER going there with another man again! It's not that I didn't have the opportunity cos I had nights out but I had totally lost the art of knowing if a guy fancied me or not. One memorable moment, was when I was standing at a bar, ordering drinks when this guy sitting beside me said hello. I actually looked behind me to see who he was talking too cos I knew it couldn't possibly be me cos this guy was well fit and hot hot hot!
He actually laughed when I looked about me and replied "are you speaking to me?". Later that night after copious amounts of drink for Dutch Courage, I found myself in a very hot embrace, locking lips with the very hot guy but still that echo of disdain stopped me taking it any further.

Four years after our separation, I took the bull by the horns and joined a dating site. I met all kinds of guys on there who were equally battered and bruised but who had so many issues they made mine look insignificant. I didn't want to meet them as such but chatting was great fun cos I missed that male perspective and the added plus was they didn't have any preconceived ideas as to who I was. Most of them were in a stale relationships and wanted no strings attached fun which I found a bit of an eye opener and often they didn't wanna know my name just went straight in there asking about "bush trimming" activities!!! Now I am pretty open minded but even I was a little shocked........what no foreplay!!! lol

And gardening??? What the fuck was that all about? What happened to au natural?? Oh my how times had changed. How was I, with my baby stretch marks, curvy body and saggy boobs gonna compete with these young things? Best not to go there huh! Best to carry on with abstaining than bare all to some poor unsuspecting guy. Oh the trauma!

One of the first guys I chatted to was completely different from that. He asked about me, which was a surprise and he made me laugh which is always a winner in my book. He eventually gave me his mobile number and wound me up and said I wouldn't be brave enough to text him. Bloody hell, how did he know that throwing down the gauntlet like that was right up my street! So being the type of girl I am, I rose to the challenge and for two whole years we conducted a relationship by text and the odd phone call.

Eventually he asked me to meet him. He is a lorry driver and he was gonna be in Elgin the next day so now was the time....right? Oh my fucking god, I went into such a flap cos now he was finally gonna see me and what would he think? I knew I should have kept up that diet, skin care regime and exercise plan but now the day of reckoning had arrived. Oh fuckity fuck fuck fuck!.

I was so nervous, but I never wavered and I walked round to where we had arranged to meet, pushing Jack in his wheelchair. He had had a seizure so was sleeping and was totally oblivious to the proceedings. The meeting went without a hitch. I thought he was pretty cute in person and he wasn't recoiling in horror at me so win win situation me thinks. We met a couple of times after that and the sexual tension was seriously building and for me who had been a nun for 5 or so years it was exciting and totally terrifying at the same time. Then one night he kissed me and I felt like sleeping beauty being woken after sleeping for a hundred years.

I was just getting to the end of a horrendous divorce, we had finally signed the papers and I had made up my mind that my lorry driver was gonna be my reward!! I had so earned it don't you know. So three days later, totally sober.........yes no Dutch Courage this time, my life as a nun came to an abrupt end and this born again virgin had been seriously deflowered!!!

OH MY GOD! My world shifted right off it's axis. Enough said.

Since then, I have met up with him lots of times. I have learned so much about lorries I am in danger of becoming an anorak! I have perfected the art of climbing in and out of a lorry in wedges, a feat I am most proud of and am now nimble enough to climb up into the accommodation part too. Snigger snigger! Who knew that these things had sinks, fridges and even microwaves depending on whether you are in a Daf, Scania or Renault etc. I could write a book on the 101 things to get up to in a lorry, it would be a best seller on the x-rated book list! God I am so very very bad but good at it if you know what I mean!

I always knew I was a bad girl but hey good girls never made history and I most definitely want to!

It has been a total blast and I although we don't have a normal relationship, I don't take any shit from him, just like I wouldn't from any of my friends. Not that they ever do, I hasten to add. We have an unwritten rule that we have to keep texting each other and we talk on the phone 3/4 times a week.

He is 9 years younger than me but totally on my wave length, we have so much in common and have become great friends. He lives on the islands off the top of Scotland and loves it there, wouldn't live anywhere else whereas I am a city girl with a child who needs to be close to a hospital so there is never any question of this progressing in to anything more than friends with perks. I have always known this so I have no expectations.

He has more interest in my kids than their own dad, is interested in my life, my friends and everything there is about me. He will always be my friend. I have dated other guys and during that time my lorry driver and I have made a point of not seeing each other because I do want a long term relationship but it has to be right and with a guy who wants me and ALL the shit that goes with that. So far that person has eluded me but although I haven't given up, I have actively stopped looking cos that is the time when he will probably appear.

Until then, I say to all you single girls out there, get yourself one of these, they are the coolest new girl toy around! But you can't get them in the shops, no, you have to put yourself out there and who knows what you will find, no two are the same!

All the hurtful things your previous partners told ya, forget them cos I know now that to some guys, I am pretty hot stuff and you can forget the tennis ball and alley thought............after all my paranoia, it was so not true! And gardening! Well who would have known it could be so much fun and good for ya lol.

Just don't fall in love, unless of course he falls in love with you but you can definitely start your very own Mutual Appreciation Society and the best bit about that is that you don't just have to use words, actions are sooooooooooooo much more fun!

1 comment:

  1. Love it :) Sounds like he was the right guy for the right time, sorry it had to end though xx


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