Friends...........a girl needs them!

What would life be like without friends?  For me it would be pretty empty.  Often I think I am doing  ok until a friend calls and I am close to tears just hearing their voice because a problem shared is a problem halved.  Isn't it funny how we try really hard not to burden our friends with our worries and sorrows yet when we finally do and they have us crying and laughing through our tears, you realise just how much you needed that moment, or vice versa.

My friends are a total mixed bag but one thing they all have in common is their strength.  A woman doesn't choose to be strong, it's circumstances that make her that way.

A lot of people mistake a strong woman for being hard.  This always surprises me, big time! Just because we are not crying and curling up in a ball doesn't mean we don't feel the pain of the trauma we are going through.  

My ex husband used to call me a "hard bitch" because no matter what shit was dealt me, I just had to deal with it and keep going.  I couldn't win because if I did show emotion, he would not know how to deal with me so I often dealt with it internally.  Outwardly I would be functioning but inwardly I would be screaming.  As a friend recently put it on her blog, she is often like a duck floating on a pond: above the water all is serene but underneath she is paddling like hell!

Being called that, hurt me deeply and I never expected to hear it from a guy again until the recent crisis with Jack over Christmas and New Year.

I was having a text conversation with Friend with Perks and he was asking how I was doing after the latest ambulance dash.  I told him that I felt so worn out and needed to cry but couldn't and he text back that I should "stop being such a hard bitch" and I was totally gobsmacked, hurt and confused cos I thought he knew me! Then I did cry cos how can someone close to you, get you so wrong! I will say that it was the word "hard" that upset me not the word "bitch"! lol

The next day I took him to task about it and he explained that it wasn't really what he meant but he didn't know any other way to explain it.  Basically he didn't understand why I couldn't or even wouldn't cry and felt that I should let it all out.  Easy done if you don't lurch from one crisis to the other with little space to draw breath in between!  Then there is time and space to lick your wounds but in my case, I still have to function in between the chaos and crying is a total luxury! When I told him how it made me feel, he was equally gutted because he never meant to hurt me.

I believe him because he is a lovely guy but he just doesn't have the words sometimes to say what he really means.  I am glad we talked about it otherwise it would have festered and hurt our friendship.  I think that is the key to friends..........the ability to communicate well through the good and the bad. So if you fuck up and hurt them, you should be able to talk about it without it getting to the yelling and mud slinging stage or is that just me cos I am a coward and I don't do confrontation?  See I am all bravado me!

I am not a perfect friend in anyway but I think I am a good enough friend.  If you are my friend this is what you can expect from me................

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath. I pledge it till the end. "Why?" You may ask. Because you are my friend.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

I don't know who wrote that poem but it's genius!

So there you have it, being my friend is fairly simple.  Expect me to laugh my head off before I give you sympathy unless of course what you are telling me is so not funny and then I will try to behave like a normal friend should! Remember the key word here....try!

Gilmore Girls

I have just finished watching the last episode of the Gilmore Girls for about the 5th time and I have already started recording the series again.

Omg I bloody love that programme and so does Holly.  She reckons that I am Lorelai  and she is Rory and my friend Kathy is Sookie.  Even Emily Gilmore sometimes scarily reminds me of my own mum, although she was a much warmer and loving character than Emily, the resemblance is uncanny when Emily is raising her eyebrows and expressing her disapproval!  (Sorry mum, but it's the truth!  No doubt I've earned another clip round the ear when we meet again in the afterlife.  Notice I don't say Heaven cos then you would all start laughing hysterically!!!)

Anyway, by being like Lorelai, I mean in character rather than looks cos I would never presume to be as gorgeous as her but I do possess some of her witty banter, one liners, randomness and of course her ability to constantly be in touch with her inner child.  So much so that my lovely daughter often has to question "who is the adult here?" when we are in hysterics cos I have been behaving like such a child and of course my answer is always "YOU! ".

And like Lorelai, I have not been very lucky in love, though I have had my share of dates, good, bad and indifferent but still have yet to meet my Luke.  Swoon!  That guy is so freaking gorgeous and yet they never seem to get it together instead she lets that eejit, Rory's dad, constantly mess with her head and they even get married!

Well you just know that marrying my ex is not a event that I am inviting! Once was enough, thank you very much but he did used to mess with my head a bit but now the LOVE GOGGLES are well and truly off so no worries there my friends.  I can hear the collective sigh of relief already!!

Unlike Lorelai, I had a very close relationship with my mum.  She was a very forceful character and on the rare times you didn't agree with her or didn't take her advise, then oh boy you had to have a damn good reason!  She used to say that she would walk away from a conversation with me, after giving me sound advice and thinking that I would follow it, only to find I would do the complete opposite!!! She was always like "what the f**k????"

My daughter is very much like me in that way.  No matter what advice I give, I know that she will make her own mistakes and decisions along the way, safe in the knowledge that I will be there no matter what.  I can't of course guarantee that I won't be laughing hysterically or raising my eyebrows in disapproval or that we will agree on everything cos you just know already that we most definitely WON'T!

Holly, like Rory, is someone who is sensitive, thoughtful and funny and she is quite clever, though not as clever as Rory yet but who knows.  She always champions the underdog, stands up for what she believes in and is very creative.  But most of all she is very very funny and she totally gets me.  There are few people who can have me hanging onto them, legs crossed for fear of piddling myself, crying with laughter.............and she is one of them!  and it's usually at my expense I hasten to add!!!

The Sookie character in my life, is my mate Kathy who incidentally is a chef,and like Lorelai and Sookie, we met when she came to work in the hotel that I worked in as a receptionist.  I was just 18 and she was 7 months younger. Like Sookie, she had an innocence about her that was refreshing and then she met me, this crazy wild party animal and life as she knew it has never been the same!

Sookie is an unstinting friend to Lorelai and that's what Kathy is to me.  She held my hand through losing a baby, went green when she saw the needles during chemo, made me laugh when I could barely lift my head, jumped up and down like a mad thing when I got the all clear, cried when she held Holly for the first time, and again with Jack, cried with me when Jack was diagnosed as disabled, at the death of my nephew, at the breakdown of my marriage and the death of my mum.

We have so much fun together. She has frequent moments of paranoia and I am the one who laughs and puts it into perspective for her, I appreciate her very "warped and twisted" sense of humour cos it's so like my own and her rare thoughts of pure evil make me laugh so hard cos it is in total contrast to the kind, loving, sensitive person she is. I held both her children on the days they were born and was so proud of her, my friend who managed this amazing feat when she faints at the sight of plaster coming off a cut or a needle and most definitely doesn't DO PAIN!!!

Her children are like my adopted children.  Her son James is 2 months older than Jack and I love how his mind works and how funny he is.  Instead of feeling jealous of her for having a healthy son, I live Jack's "what could have been" life through him and I think they would have been great friends and partners in crime.  Instead James can often be found, holding Jack's hand while they are watching TV or stroking his head if he has had a seizure.  He likes to make sure he is comfortable and constantly asks if his head needs to be propped up again and then he just does it.  He is going to be a great man in the future.

Her daughter Erin, is quite the little diva but in a good way.  She loves to perform, has some great one liners and can have me in hysterics 2 seconds after coming into my house!  She is 10 but already in teenage mode, god help Kathy but a lovely girl who is also very loving and caring towards Jack.

They both get on great with Holly although they have their moments! She treats them like siblings so therefore there are the usual falling outs much to Kathy and I's amusement but thankfully nothing major.

Not forgetting Rory's friend Lane.  Holly has quite a few of these characters in her life, and like Lorelai, I find myself becoming like their second mum.  Some of them even call me that and I am mega chuffed that they feel this way.  I think it's because they recognise the teenager in me!

So that's it, it's finally true, my life is a soap opera!!! But I bet if you think about it, yours is too.

So come on, tell me my friends, which Gilmore characters have you got in your life or are you like Lorelai yourself?

Feel free to comment below..........I await your words of wisdom..........don't be shy now :-)


P.S.  I also have a lot of other wonderful women in my life, you all know who you are and without these brilliant sisters/friends I wouldn't still be smiling today.

Friends with Perks!

This week, just for fun, I put the subject of this blog in your capable hands and you, my Facebook friends decided that you wanted to know about my "friend with perks".

For those of you not in the know, a friend with perks is a male/female friend that a person has sex with but it doesn't follow the "normal" relationship rules. This type of friendship is also known as Friends with Benefits or Fuck Buddies!

After I separated from my ex, the hurtful comments he made about me still echoed in my head and taunted me every time I looked in the mirror. Therefore in my mind, there was no way on this earth I was ever having another man in my life and anyway, why would he want me!

Before his affair with a woman in Azerbijan, my ex used to be always asking me to go out there to see him but after, when we tried to patch things up he stopped. When I asked him why he no longer wanted me to go there he said "well you see, the women in Azerbijan are beautiful, and I don't want you to feel insecure!" I took that to mean that I most definitely wasn't beautiful and my self esteem took a real battering, that coupled with the comment that " women in Azerbijan don't have normal births, they have caesarean births so that they keep themselves tight for their men!" Wtf? So not only was I not beautiful but was he saying it was like throwing a tennis ball up an alley??? Oh geez thanks for that!

So you can imagine, I was NEVER going there with another man again! It's not that I didn't have the opportunity cos I had nights out but I had totally lost the art of knowing if a guy fancied me or not. One memorable moment, was when I was standing at a bar, ordering drinks when this guy sitting beside me said hello. I actually looked behind me to see who he was talking too cos I knew it couldn't possibly be me cos this guy was well fit and hot hot hot!

He actually laughed when I looked about me and replied "are you speaking to me?". Later that night after copious amounts of drink for Dutch Courage, I found myself in a very hot embrace, locking lips with the very hot guy but still that echo of disdain stopped me taking it any further.

Four years after our separation, I took the bull by the horns and joined a dating site. I met all kinds of guys on there who were equally battered and bruised but who had so many issues they made mine look insignificant. I didn't want to meet them as such but chatting was great fun cos I missed that male perspective and the added plus was they didn't have any preconceived ideas as to who I was. Most of them were in a stale relationships and wanted no strings attached fun which I found a bit of an eye opener and often they didn't wanna know my name just went straight in there asking about "bush trimming" activities!!! Now I am pretty open minded but even I was a little shocked........what no foreplay!!! lol

And gardening??? What the fuck was that all about? What happened to au natural?? Oh my how times had changed. How was I, with my baby stretch marks, curvy body and saggy boobs gonna compete with these young things? Best not to go there huh! Best to carry on with abstaining than bare all to some poor unsuspecting guy. Oh the trauma!

One of the first guys I chatted to was completely different from that. He asked about me, which was a surprise and he made me laugh which is always a winner in my book. He eventually gave me his mobile number and wound me up and said I wouldn't be brave enough to text him. Bloody hell, how did he know that throwing down the gauntlet like that was right up my street! So being the type of girl I am, I rose to the challenge and for two whole years we conducted a relationship by text and the odd phone call.

Eventually he asked me to meet him. He is a lorry driver and he was gonna be in Elgin the next day so now was the time....right? Oh my fucking god, I went into such a flap cos now he was finally gonna see me and what would he think? I knew I should have kept up that diet, skin care regime and exercise plan but now the day of reckoning had arrived. Oh fuckity fuck fuck fuck!.

I was so nervous, but I never wavered and I walked round to where we had arranged to meet, pushing Jack in his wheelchair. He had had a seizure so was sleeping and was totally oblivious to the proceedings. The meeting went without a hitch. I thought he was pretty cute in person and he wasn't recoiling in horror at me so win win situation me thinks. We met a couple of times after that and the sexual tension was seriously building and for me who had been a nun for 5 or so years it was exciting and totally terrifying at the same time. Then one night he kissed me and I felt like sleeping beauty being woken after sleeping for a hundred years.

I was just getting to the end of a horrendous divorce, we had finally signed the papers and I had made up my mind that my lorry driver was gonna be my reward!! I had so earned it don't you know. So three days later, totally sober.........yes no Dutch Courage this time, my life as a nun came to an abrupt end and this born again virgin had been seriously deflowered!!!

OH MY GOD! My world shifted right off it's axis. Enough said.

Since then, I have met up with him lots of times. I have learned so much about lorries I am in danger of becoming an anorak! I have perfected the art of climbing in and out of a lorry in wedges, a feat I am most proud of and am now nimble enough to climb up into the accommodation part too. Snigger snigger! Who knew that these things had sinks, fridges and even microwaves depending on whether you are in a Daf, Scania or Renault etc. I could write a book on the 101 things to get up to in a lorry, it would be a best seller on the x-rated book list! God I am so very very bad but good at it if you know what I mean!

I always knew I was a bad girl but hey good girls never made history and I most definitely want to!

It has been a total blast and I although we don't have a normal relationship, I don't take any shit from him, just like I wouldn't from any of my friends. Not that they ever do, I hasten to add. We have an unwritten rule that we have to keep texting each other and we talk on the phone 3/4 times a week.

He is 9 years younger than me but totally on my wave length, we have so much in common and have become great friends. He lives on the islands off the top of Scotland and loves it there, wouldn't live anywhere else whereas I am a city girl with a child who needs to be close to a hospital so there is never any question of this progressing in to anything more than friends with perks. I have always known this so I have no expectations.

He has more interest in my kids than their own dad, is interested in my life, my friends and everything there is about me. He will always be my friend. I have dated other guys and during that time my lorry driver and I have made a point of not seeing each other because I do want a long term relationship but it has to be right and with a guy who wants me and ALL the shit that goes with that. So far that person has eluded me but although I haven't given up, I have actively stopped looking cos that is the time when he will probably appear.

Until then, I say to all you single girls out there, get yourself one of these, they are the coolest new girl toy around! But you can't get them in the shops, no, you have to put yourself out there and who knows what you will find, no two are the same!

All the hurtful things your previous partners told ya, forget them cos I know now that to some guys, I am pretty hot stuff and you can forget the tennis ball and alley thought............after all my paranoia, it was so not true! And gardening! Well who would have known it could be so much fun and good for ya lol.

Just don't fall in love, unless of course he falls in love with you but you can definitely start your very own Mutual Appreciation Society and the best bit about that is that you don't just have to use words, actions are sooooooooooooo much more fun!