Friends...........a girl needs them!

What would life be like without friends?  For me it would be pretty empty.  Often I think I am doing  ok until a friend calls and I am close to tears just hearing their voice because a problem shared is a problem halved.  Isn't it funny how we try really hard not to burden our friends with our worries and sorrows yet when we finally do and they have us crying and laughing through our tears, you realise just how much you needed that moment, or vice versa.

My friends are a total mixed bag but one thing they all have in common is their strength.  A woman doesn't choose to be strong, it's circumstances that make her that way.

A lot of people mistake a strong woman for being hard.  This always surprises me, big time! Just because we are not crying and curling up in a ball doesn't mean we don't feel the pain of the trauma we are going through.  

My ex husband used to call me a "hard bitch" because no matter what shit was dealt me, I just had to deal with it and keep going.  I couldn't win because if I did show emotion, he would not know how to deal with me so I often dealt with it internally.  Outwardly I would be functioning but inwardly I would be screaming.  As a friend recently put it on her blog, she is often like a duck floating on a pond: above the water all is serene but underneath she is paddling like hell!

Being called that, hurt me deeply and I never expected to hear it from a guy again until the recent crisis with Jack over Christmas and New Year.

I was having a text conversation with Friend with Perks and he was asking how I was doing after the latest ambulance dash.  I told him that I felt so worn out and needed to cry but couldn't and he text back that I should "stop being such a hard bitch" and I was totally gobsmacked, hurt and confused cos I thought he knew me! Then I did cry cos how can someone close to you, get you so wrong! I will say that it was the word "hard" that upset me not the word "bitch"! lol

The next day I took him to task about it and he explained that it wasn't really what he meant but he didn't know any other way to explain it.  Basically he didn't understand why I couldn't or even wouldn't cry and felt that I should let it all out.  Easy done if you don't lurch from one crisis to the other with little space to draw breath in between!  Then there is time and space to lick your wounds but in my case, I still have to function in between the chaos and crying is a total luxury! When I told him how it made me feel, he was equally gutted because he never meant to hurt me.

I believe him because he is a lovely guy but he just doesn't have the words sometimes to say what he really means.  I am glad we talked about it otherwise it would have festered and hurt our friendship.  I think that is the key to friends..........the ability to communicate well through the good and the bad. So if you fuck up and hurt them, you should be able to talk about it without it getting to the yelling and mud slinging stage or is that just me cos I am a coward and I don't do confrontation?  See I am all bravado me!

I am not a perfect friend in anyway but I think I am a good enough friend.  If you are my friend this is what you can expect from me................

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath. I pledge it till the end. "Why?" You may ask. Because you are my friend.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

I don't know who wrote that poem but it's genius!

So there you have it, being my friend is fairly simple.  Expect me to laugh my head off before I give you sympathy unless of course what you are telling me is so not funny and then I will try to behave like a normal friend should! Remember the key word here....try!

Stuck in the Snow

I never did get another call from the school so you would think that my day improved huh?  Not so.

I had arranged for the school bus to drop Jack off at the centre where he has rebound therapy, to save me having to just put him straight into my car when he got home.  Holly was supposed to meet me there too as it was just around the corner from their school,and it saved her the long walk.

The school bus was running late, what with the weather, so I text Ann, the bus auxiliary to check they'd remembered and as I expected they had but were just held up.  Holly on the other hand was no where to be seen.  I called her mobile and it went straight to voice mail and text her too but still no reply, also hung about outside to see if I could spot her.  I was getting a bit frantic cos she never carries her key and it was absolutely freezing outside but I just had to put that aside while I got Jack off the bus and into the centre.

Jack was quite lively and if he hadn't been strapped into his chair, he would have made a bid for freedom!  As soon as he saw the trampoline, he got quite excited and alert.

This is an image of rebound therapy

I don't know if you know anything about rebound therapy but it is basically for all abilities.  Jack for instance can't jump up and down on the trampoline so they hoist him onto a bean bag and slide him into the middle of the trampoline and two therapists gently bounce around him.  All this bouncing around is very good for all of his organs, helps to clear any glut on his chest, encourages eye contact and is basically a little bit of fun.  They also do stretching exercises with him and yesterday for the first time, his left arm came up straight away with very little resistance.  What a wee star!

He also gave them one or two of his rare smiles, not an all out grin but a wee smirk.  He can be quite cheeky at times, bit like his mum.

After we'd finished our slot, he was back in his wheelchair and then we headed off but we found we couldn't get out our usual side door as the snow was piled up the side of the path and the wheelchair was too wide to get through.  I had to run back through and ask them to unlock the main door but they weren't sure that they had the keys!  I had visions of us being stuck there for a wee while but no they found the keys and out we went into more snow!

I got Jack into the car, then headed home. I had just driven into my street when my car became stuck in the snow.  I kept reversing and trying again but after ten minutes it was clear that Jack and I were going nowhere.

Ok this isn't me, but you get the drift!

I phoned the house phone, hoping and praying that Holly did have her key and was home and not freezing on the doorstep.  I was so relieved when she answered and told her to grab the snow shovel and come and help me.  

Meanwhile, I am trying to kick the snow outta my way but couldn't get to the stuff under the car.  This bloody lowered floor is ace for the wheelchair but utterly crap in this kind of weather cos the snow just gets stuck under it.  I had just got back into the car, turned around to check on Jack when he went straight into a seizure.  I stuck on my hazard lights and leapt into the back of the car, frantically trying to reach for the magnet which is in his bag at the back of his wheelchair.  Not easy to get to let me tell you.  

As I am rummaging for the damn thing, Jack lips are starting to go blue and he isn't breathing so I start rubbing his chest and talking to him and after about 50 secs he take a breath and starts to cough, retch and choke and finally I manage to get the damn magnet onto his stimulator.  As I was standing, leaning over him, counting 30 seconds in my head, I was watching all the traffic on the road behind us going by and hoping that nobody was gonna turn into my street and run into the back of us cos we were just on the street and no more.

It took only 2 minutes for the seizure to pass but it had totally floored him and he was out for the count.  I was just getting out the car when I spotted Holly with the shovel.  Thank god cos my stress levels were getting higher by the minute.

I then spent the next 10 to 15 minutes digging out my car, with a little help from Holly.  During that time, lots of people in cars were having a good look but no one stopped to help.  One car came into the street, a 4 x 4, parked two cars up from me and the lady driving it, walked across the road and went into her house, watching us all the while.  I was speechless!  Even if there was nothing she thought she could do, she could have asked anyway!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Finally, the car started to move and was gaining momentum when a van started coming down the opposite side of the street and as he had right of way, I had to stop and got STUCK AGAIN! For f**k's sake!!!!!

Thankfully it was only for a minute or two and then I was off, leaving poor Holly behind but there was no way I was stopping once I got going but I did walk back and help her carry the shovel cos it is quite big.

Once back in the house, I just wanted to collapse but no time for that cos I had to hoist Jack into his comfy chair and then feed him.  He was still out for the count and oblivious but as it was way past his tea time, I couldn't leave it a while so I put Holly on the case and she cooked our tea.

She was really grumpy with me and I had to bite my tongue cos I was really not in the mood for "one word answers" cos I was a very stressed out bunny!!

It's times like this, being stuck in the snow, that I feel such a "girlie" and quite helpless and it pisses me off!!  I hate feeling helpless, it frustrates me and I realise how vulnerable I actually am and that I can't do everything by myself.  It's not that I want to do everything myself, NO WAY, but when you have had to because of circumstances then it gets harder to ask for help without feeling like I've let myself down. 

It's crazy, I know but strong women were not born like this, it's circumstances and life experience that have made us this way, but never mistake a strong women for a hard women, as they are totally different.

I have met a lot of strong women and they are loving, caring and exceptional whereas a hard woman is hard hearted and unbending, not in the same league at all but so many people don't know the difference.

So now you know, this strong woman is not invincible, does struggle at times and does cry but don't be telling everybody now, it will be our little secret so SSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!