It's all about me me me....and if not....then why not?

It will be 11 weeks on yesterday since my precious boy took his last breath. I don't know how I have survived but here I am, still standing, still breathing.

Every morning that I wake up, for a tiny split second, I have that moment where my mind hasn't fully caught up and Jack is still with us like nothing has happened and then reality kicks me in the stomach.

That alone is enough to floor me. Yet I still force myself out of bed, make myself stand and face the day. It isn't a choice, it's just instinctive.

I am still wading my way through the financial implications of Jack's passing. Having no money no longer scares me, it is what it is. Bad enough that Father of the Year has pulled the financial rug out from under me (his money for Jack paid the mortgage) but now he has done it to his daughter. He has stated categorically that he will not give her any financial support if it benefits me in any shape or form. She is living in my house, so obviously she would have to contribute financially as any adult would but not according to him. No, he would rather see her homeless or having to move out of her home at a time when she really needs her mum and I need her. She has no job yet and is still applying for benefits but he doesn't care about that.

The two loves of my life...

This is a form of parenting on a whole new level, one I could never begin to understand in my wildest dreams....but there you have it.....it's fuelled by bitterness in all it's glory and it matters little to him the consequences for his daughter.

Bitterness that is borne from the fact that we didn't allow him to have his own way during the last week of Jack's life.

Let's be clear, Jack didn't know him. He chose not to know his son but he always blamed me for that.
Narcissists never take the blame for anything, they are always the victims.

Holly and I were Jack's welfare and financial guardians. In order for this to happen, FOTY had to give up his rights to his son, which he did without a backward glance.

We took these powers seriously and we only ever wanted the best for Jack.

So when he became seriously ill this time, Holly and I made some tough decisions. One of those was to allow his father to spend some time with him. This didn't mean that he got to spend the same amount of time with Jack as we did but he didn't see it like that and that is when things became difficult.

He never left us alone for a second with Jack, he gate crashed every personal moment with our beautiful boy yet expected to have quality time alone with him himself. He became demanding and caused us lots of problems in the hospice and created an atmosphere so bad that his mum and Holly were struggling to cope with him. Worst of all Jack became agitated by the atmosphere so things came to a head and I had to ask him to leave. We still allowed him to visit with Jack for an hour in the morning every day until he became too ill for visitors but that wasn't good enough apparently.

So we protected Jack, tried to surround him with all our love, put his needs before ours and made sure his last days consisted of our undivided love, care and attention so that his last hours were spent with the people who had been there for him all his life, Holly and I.

Because we put Jack first and not his father, I have to suffer his wrath and the only way he has to hurt us is financially!

He thinks what he is doing will cause me pain but what he doesn't realise is that I am already in such incredible pain from losing my beautiful boy that anything he does to me at this point can't touch me. It is just a tiny ripple in a huge huge pond.

His bitterness makes him even more ugly than he already is.

Holly and I regret nothing.

What a pain

Father of the Year is home.......again! 

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Oh joy.  He dropped a prezzie off for Holly, 3 days before her birthday, in the hope, me thinks that she would contact him but she hasn't.

I was actually in when he delivered it but Marion, Jack's carer answered the door.  Oh there is a god! Not that he wanted to speak to me anyway cos she did offer but he politely declined. Mmmmmmmm I wonder why?

I don't often write about him on my blog cos really I don't want to be giving him such importance but I liken him to a boil on yer bum.  You know it's there, it's a pain that comes and goes, sometimes you need to itch it or lance it and other times it explodes into a pussy mess! And it's always behind you, lurking and waiting to annoy you at the most inappropriate moment.

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I've learnt to laugh at him more these days but he does upset me when he upsets my kids.

The problem with Father of the Year is that he has never had to do anything for himself.  His mum used to do everything for him.  For instance, clothes were left lying on the bedroom floor and would magically reappear washed and beautifully ironed in the drawer or wardrobe. Obviously the ironing Faery had been. He never had to put them in a laundry basket, never learned to cook and most certainly did not know how to use a washing machine or ironing board.

I met him when I was 14.  We had a rocky relationship but it did settle down.  We moved in together when I was 19, he straight from home and it was like having a child!  I rallied against doing everything for him but in the end, his stubbornness outweighed my determination and I became someone who did it all.

Basically he had been brought up to be a totally selfish git and has never changed.  This selfishness has spilled into all of his relationships to the point that if you want a relationship with him, you have to do all the work and he just has to be.

I realise now that I was an enabler just like his mum and I think the new wife is very much like this too from what Holly says.  God, I wish her luck, poor girl but maybe it will be ok for her as she isn't like me who was never the' little fragile woman' who needed to be protected whereas I think she is.

I certainly don't want Holly to have to do all the work in her relationship with Father of the Year and so I am trying to equip her with the strength of character to stand up to him so that she can have the best relationship she can possibly have with him.  It's all I can do and already she is so much stronger than I was at her age. I am so so proud.

In the end, it is their relationship and I stay well out of it because I have had my fingers burned trying to tell him that he needs to keep in touch more, needs to make his children his priority but all I get for opening my mouth are anger and resentment from him.

At least he wrote Holly's birthday card himself.  Jack's was written by his mum and it said "Happy Birthday Jack from his Dad" as were the Christmas cards to them both and most other birthdays cards.  Does he even know how it feels to know that your own Dad can't even be bothered to make the effort to write a f**king birthday card. I guess not.

My gorgeous, funny, talented girl and my handsome, courageous and determined boy deserve so much more.

It's been one of those weeks.......

It's only Thursday but already this week has brought with it a mixture of emotions.

Monday morning, I got a call from Rachel House, the hospice that we have been referred to.  It seems we fit the criteria and they have arranged to come and see us on the 25th March.  I broke down when she told me that we'd been accepted cos part of me hoped we wouldn't.  The very nice lady on the phone said that if Jack's condition improved over time then they would back off again but as he'd had a few scary moments lately, the consultant neurologist agreed that we need this kind of support.

Rachel House (source)

So I have kinda been out of sorts since. Then Tuesday, I had Jack's parents evening.  I dread these evenings as they just make me feel so depressed. They seem to focus on everything that Jack can't do, so much so that I stopped going to them the last few years of primary school.  To make matters worse, the head teacher of the special needs base at the primary school, didn't want Jack there and was quite vocal about it so I tried to spend as little time in her company as possible!

Therefore my expectations of this parents evening were pretty low. I was pleasantly surprised though.  For the first time in a long time, the teacher, Gill, was so delighted with him.  She commented on how impressed she was with him when he is out of his chair, on the floor and the sheer determination he has to get up onto his hands and knees.  She felt that "he was just wonderful!".  Also she had a sheet of paper with lots of highlighted paragraphs in the 1st column and ticks next to most of the other paragraphs in the 2nd column.  This was all the tasks he had completed! OMG I was speechless and so so chuffed.

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They are only baby steps but important all the same!  Getting him out of the wheelchair in school is making a huge difference as I am noticing that his stomach muscles are getting stronger and therefore he is able to hold himself straighter.  This is brilliant for him as being able to sit up straighter will slow down the curve in his spine. I left the school with a huge smile on my face.

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Then Wednesday, Holly fell out with her Dad.  He text her on Tuesday to say that he was just home but someone we know had seen him in the supermarket on Saturday.  Holly was not happy but she let it go because well, he's here now.  She asked me was it ok for her to ask her Dad if he would take her and David to the cinema on Saturday night.  I said yes so she sent him a text.  He called her straight back and told her that he was going away Friday morning and therefore couldn't take her to the pictures.  Holly cut his call short as she was mad as hell.

Understandably Holly was upset, as he had been home at least 3 days before he made contact and then could only see her two nights, both of which she had stuff on. He does this all the time.  His contact with Holly is all on his terms and if she can't see him when he wants, cos of her crazy schedule, then he doesn't bother. He hasn't seen her since October/November as he didn't even bother to come home for Christmas this time because he took his new wife away on a city break tour.  They even went to Disneyland Paris which was a major sore point for Holly, as she has asked him to take her there quite a few times.

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I get upset on her and Jack's behalf because, if it were me, the first people I would want to see when I got home after being away (he works abroad) would be my children. He doesn't have Jack at all now and I no longer let him into the house, just so that he can have a quick peer at him then chat to Holly the rest of the time.

He was home in February and he had bought tickets to see Holly's favourite band.  Unfortunately, this would mean time off school which I wasn't happy about because I was taking her to see a band the week after and that required 2 days off school.  On top of that she had already had nearly 3 weeks study leave so I just couldn't justify her taking a few more days off school.  That would have meant she had only been in school, 1 week out of 5.  Holly was disappointed but was pretty chilled about as I had already made her choose between these two concerts.  I was more upset because I was the one having to say no!!  Again, he called 2 days after the concert wanting to see her but as she had stuff on, she didn't get to see him as he was leaving on Saturday.

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So the upshot is that she sent him a text saying how annoyed she was that he was only contacting her now when she knew he had been home at least 3 days and how upset she was.  He didn't even reply which made her madder. Then later, she felt guilty for upsetting him!!! WTF?  She thinks more of his feelings than he does of hers.

I am hurting for her because she doesn't deserve to be his afterthought.  I am used to it with Jack but not Holly, she is worth so much more than that and deserves better. They both do.