Showing posts with label caring for a disabled child. Show all posts
Showing posts with label caring for a disabled child. Show all posts

Friday, 8 August 2014

Hello? Anybody out there.

It has been MONTHS since I last blogged!

Not because I didn't have anything to say, in fact I had so much rattling around inside my brain but not enough hours in the day to write it all down and make sense of it all.

Firstly, after a shaky start to the year, with a few hospital visits and an exciting ambulance ride, Jack is keeping well. He had an overnight sleep study in May and his Cpap machine is doing it's job so it didn't require any tweaking. Phew! After a 2 year wait, he finally got a wheelchair with a moulded seat so he is much more settled in his chair.

Jack's new wheels

His bedroom has had a total makeover but that is definitely a "stand alone" blog post for later. I promise it will be worth it.

Holly, on the other hand, hasn't been so well. She was diagnosed with Hyper Mobility and Arthritis and over the last two months has been struggling to walk, so much so that she has had to use a wheelchair over the last three weeks. We managed to get an emergency appointment this week so off we went to Aberdeen. Ironically this was the first day she was able to walk so the consultant didn't see her at her worst.

I wish he had because he looked totally bored and uninterested throughout the appointment and berated her by saying "the whole point of getting the physio to see you was so that you could follow a programme of exercises" and when she told him that she hurt herself while doing them he said "well, you do have hyper mobility!".  Aaaaaaahhhhh!!!

At this point I wanted to scream because how in hell is she to do exercises if the slightest thing can cripple her??? It doesn't make sense to me that in trying to build up the muscles she has to go through even more hell for very little gain. I asked him if she had Hyper Mobility Syndrome and he patronisingly told me that Hyper Mobility was a spectrum but wouldn't be drawn on where in the spectrum she was. He grudgingly took bloods and then we left. I can see there is going to be a battle on our hands to get proper answers and it doesn't look like he is the one to be giving them!

There are times I wonder.....what bloody next???

While all this has been going on, I have moved Holly out of Halls at Uni and moved her and her friend into a flat. Her friend Georgia is staying there at the moment and Holly will join her at the start of September. Such is my tiredness these day that I enlisted the help of Father of the Year on one of his rare visits home, to help us pack up Holly's room.

Holly and Georgia outside their flat

Oh My God......I deserve a medal....a whole day in his company and I was like a coiled up spring but I soldiered on! He did nothing but moan about all his aches and pains and at times I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from snarling at him. Holly had the flu so her tolerance of him was at an all time low. I tell you it was a long day believe me!

Earlier in the week, he'd emailed to ask if he could come and see Jack and being the hilarious but devious person I am I said he could and that if he wanted, he could help me put Jack to bed.

Suffice to say FOTY was rather the worse for wear after the hour and a half it took to get Jack into bed. Normally I just give Jackyboy a quick wash at bedtimes but FOTY wasn't getting off that light... so we showered him. There was lots of huffing and puffing, sweating and moans about his aching back by the time we were done. Holly and I were trying our hardest not to laugh! I know, I know, totally mean right? NOT!!!! Once we were done he commented "you do good you know".
Aww, geeze, really???

I couldn't hide my mirth later on that night when Holly hit him in the face with a ball, knocking his glasses off and upsetting him big style! Cue me helpless with glee on the chair. Ah Karma is a beautiful thing.

A girl has to get her kicks somehow!

It has been a busy year so far. Jack turned 16, Holly and I stayed in a Gypsy Caravan for her 20th birthday, we said goodbye to another student, Tori, who introduced us to the most un politically correct game ever (Cards Against Humanity) but it was so much fun!! I bought Jack a new bike because he was no longer able to go on his old one and it will definitely get me fit cos I am the one doing all the pedalling.

Jack and I on the bike
 
Jack's birthday with my mad friend Kathy dressed like a pirate

The pirate ship cake I made

The Gypsy Caravan

Inside the caravan

I have been trying to empty my house of all the stuff that I have accumulated over the years but have not had the time or inclination to get rid of. I am about half way there so hopefully by Christmas the house will be a bit more presentable. I need to start decorating because my house is looking a bit shabby now after 12 years and the only way to fund it is by selling some of our old stuff.

Holly has a secret room leading off of her bedroom and over the years it's been a playroom, a den and now we are making it into a more grown up space where we can be creative. That way she wont leave all those unfinished projects lying around the house and I wont have to get mad when I fall over them! It will be somewhere for me to make things too as I have loads of projects that I have had my eye on but have never had the time to do them. That is going to change so watch this space.

The garden is still being tackled from last year and finally you can now see that I have a greenhouse at the end of the garden. Just need to empty it and start growing things in it. My garden is full of well established plants but very little flowers so I planted loads of wildflowers at the front and side of the house and they are just starting to flower. They are so pretty and are already starting to attract the bees and butterflies. I am also trying my hand at growing tomatoes, so far, I haven't killed them so that's a start! My friend Kathy has enjoyed laughing at my attempts to garden but you have to start somewhere right?

Finally after 3 years of fighting, I am getting carers in to help me put Jack to bed so I have been busy training them up. I forgot how tiring that was but it will be worth it. It's very difficult to get used to having so many different people coming into your house. Especially when that is probably the only place where you don't have to pretend on the bad days that everything is ok.

Only the plus side, it's nice to see a friendly face on those days too.

To add to the madness we have a new addition to the family...a Sprocker puppy...who is totally mad so fits right in. His name is Koda and he has given us all a reason to smile when things have been extremely tough. He has certainly entertained the other two and there has been lots of mischief in the garden! Poor Koda had a problem with his eyes so had to have eye surgery on both eyes when he was 3 months old and had to wear a cone for 3 weeks!

Believe me when I tell you that a puppy wearing a cone, catching the back of your legs at great speed is so bloody painful! He nearly brought me to my knees a few times!!! I was so damn glad for him to be rid of the "cone of shame"!

Koda just after his operation
 
Cuddling up to Loki

So cute
The school summer holidays are nearly over. We have a week to go before the kids go back to school. Jack will have been off 7 weeks by then as he was ill the last week of school. I do not know how I survive these holidays but I do! This one has been doubly tough because of the hard time Holly has been having with her own mobility

No rest for the wicked they say...............yep that's me, a total badass!!!









Saturday, 9 November 2013

Too tired to care

I am tired.

I am struggling.

I am overwhelmed.

I feel inadequate.

I am hiding.

I am struggling to get motivated.

I struggle to get out of bed.

I struggle to smile.

Little things stress me out.

I can be tearful at the drop of a hat.

I feel isolated.

All of the above statements are true at the moment.

Do you ever feel like everyone wants a piece of you and if you give them what they need you are going to shatter into a million tiny pieces?

I don't understand it. But I know what it is.

Loss.

No one has to have died for a person to experience loss.

I live with it daily. This roller coaster life that I live with my very precious and sweet child, who has more health issues than you could shake a stick at, is tough.

People have told me that I have a choice! A choice to what I ask? To care for him, they reply.

These are two types of people who say this: professionals and people who have not an ounce of empathy!

I do not care for him out of duty. What most people just don't get is how much I love and adore him. Jack has the right to life in a family environment in the care of people who love him surely?

It would be like me suggesting to a mother of a very healthy, naughty child that really, he would be better off in care....can you imagine the furor that would cause? Not to mention the offense she would take!

Jack, Holly and I have a bond that is so damn strong. I have no idea what the future holds for Jack but with 3 significant episodes of deterioration in his health over the past 4 years, I can only imagine what is next.

I am not selfless. I have not put my life on hold for him. I don't feel that he holds me back or stops me doing things.

Actually it's the other way around. I often feel that I don't give him enough opportunities and that our world has become so small. I am only one person so going places with him requires help as I can no longer lift him alone not to mention the emotional and physical toll it takes on me.

Planning a day out or a short trip away is a major operation. Jack's entourage would make a celebrity jealous!

Then there is the problem of changing him when we are out and about. Disabled toilets are a joke if you are unable to move your body yourself so the only alternative is to change him on a dirty floor in said toilets but now he is even too big for that!

Visiting friends is a no no cos most of them have steps up to their house and it costs a fortune to buy portable ramps. In fact anything specifically for the "disabled" gives companies carte blanche to charge 3 times as much for it!

This is not a pity party, far from it. I just need to get this out otherwise it is going to erupt out of me like a volcano!!!

I very rarely tell it like it is cos when I do, people say the most stupid things!!!

A friend of a friend, after hearing how ill Jack had been, said " you just don't have a life do you?" Resisting the urge to smack her one, I replied " if I didn't  have a life then I would be dead!"

Just because my life is so damn different to yours doesn't make it any less valuable!

I do what I do, I get by, I ride the storm. I am strong but I am expected to be stronger.

The respite unit Jack goes to were feeling overwhelmed by the level of care that he now requires. They wanted more support from the NHS to look after him. They dumped this on me as I went to pick him up the first time he was in respite after coming out of hospital.

What the hell? They got the reassurance they needed eventually but it meant 4 months of uncertainty for me.I don't think they realize that it has hurt our working relationship.

I never complain about the level of care Jack requires, I am just grateful that he has survived the latest trauma and he is still with me.

There are so many ordinary people like me in the this world. Fighting to keep upright in extraordinary circumstances where they are pushed to the limit.We don't want pity, just understanding, support, love,a tiny bit of empathy and for our voices to be heard.

We may be down, but we are definitely not out. Thanks for listening.


























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