Race Night

I went to a Race Night on Saturday evening. It was a charity event in aid of Macmillan Cancer Support. The whole event was organised by the employees of the Royal Bank of Scotland in Elgin and other branches across Moray.

I have been to a Race Night only once before and my memory was a bit hazy but basically you have to bet on horses. They show you video footage of the horses and jockeys to help you make your selection and then you place your bet. Also you can bid to own the horses and if your horse wins, you get an additional prize.

Because my memory is quite hazy of that last one, I obviously didn't really have the best of nights so I really wasn't sure what to expect. But my friend Angie works for the R.B.S and the Macmillan charity is very close to my heart so I was up for it and so got a few friends together, my dad to babysit and I was sorted.

It was a Bring your own Bottle event but as I had been suffering with a headache all week, I decided to drive and brought a bottle of the "soft stuff", flavoured water no less!! Gasp! shock! horror! Being the party animal that I am, seeing me without alcohol on a night out is like a bird watcher spotting a rare bird. A once in a lifetime experience!

The first race was called The Headmistresses Half-term Handicap. I knew it was no ordinary horse race when the first guy on the screen was jumping up and down on a pogo stick and a lady was dressed up as a headmistress in a rather wild wig. The guy on the pogo stick was all over the place and how he didn't fall off I will never know but suffice to say it was so so funny! The headmistress's job was to interview the jockeys who were all dressed up as school girls with names like Shazza, Chantelle and Britney.

These were no ordinary school girls, they were the most tarty, outrageous and naughty school girls I have ever seen and Britney turned out to be a man in a very short skirt, pigtails and showing off a lot of skin. The interviews were very funny. The last one to be interviewed was contestant no 4, Martin, a young boy, who arrived for his interview, piggy back style, on the back of the guy on the pogo stick. He was like a koala bear hanging on for grim death as his head was getting thrown back and forth like a wee rag doll. It was hysterical! The race itself turned out to be an obstacle course complete with sack race, egg and spoon etc with lots of cheating, pushing and shoving and the whole place erupted with laughter and that pretty much set the tone for the rest of the night.

Race no 2, The Numpty National, was an audience participation one. Six contestants were put into fancy dress costumes with horses sticking out the front and then they had to leap a couple of fences to get to the finish line. But they weren't running as they were at the mercy of a pair of dice that decided which horse was allowed to go and how many steps they were allowed to take. It was a nail biting finish but great great fun.

After Race 3, The Business Boorach, in which the contestants were in home made planes, the laughter became too much and the fun and games was halted for half time and stovies. Forget the food, I had to rush to the toilet cos all that laughter was having an adverse affect on my bladder. Thank god for pelvic floor exercises otherwise I would have had to nip to the shop for a packet of Tena Lady!

The stovies were delicious, even the vegetarian option looked yummy so everyone was catered for. Also on the tables there was a mini quiz which was totally doing my head in cos it was making me really think and it was a real conversation starter cos we were all brain storming and sharing answers. Not that we needed a conversation opener cos everyone at our table got on so well and there was a healthy bit of competition going on especially as my sister, Kay seemed to be on a winning streak with her bets. Some of us were cheating and waiting for her to make her selection before we made ours,in the hope that she would win again which she did. Bitch!

Ah but I won a raffle prize, woo hoo, a voucher for a local restaurant so I was a happy bunny. Little pleases little minds eh.

Race no 4 was my favourite, Mascots at Ascot and again it was R.B.S staff dressed up this time as Scottie Dog, Mr Blobby, Defor Dog, Brigsy, Smashed Smurf and Topcat. God I would love to be inside the head of the person who thinks these things up, it would be such a party!

The interviews were the funniest yet, especially when Defor the Dog got the hots for Scottie Dog while he was being interviewed and I really thought I was gonna die laughing when the camera panned to Defor running in slow motion to Scottie Dog and J'taime was the accompanying song. Also Defor was very naughty and peed on the interviewers leg! Very very clever and so effective.

Again it was an obstacle course but different from the previous one and the contestants were severely hampered by their costumes this time and they kept getting distracted by each other. I didn't think Smashed Smurf really had a hope in hell and Topcat seemed to have a clear lead but Defor Dog pipped him at the post, even though he had stopped for a sniff of Scottie Dog's butt! Most impressive especially when I had bet on him and was quids in! Oh I was on a roll!
The surprise was that Smashed Smurf pulled it out of the bag and hit the finish line at the exact same moment as Defor so it was a tie. Just goes to prove that doing an assault course under the influence was a major plus!

Race 5, The Allsorts Amble was another audience participant game and this time it was men dressed as cleaners and again at the mercy of two dice. We had a clear winner and I was jumping up and down cos I had bet on him but the race wasn't over cos we needed a runner up. It was a real nail biter and I was literally on the edge of my seat and I let out a whoop when my other bet won second place. I nearly sprinted up to get my winnings - a whole £3 I'll have you know!

Last but no means least, race 6, The Lambshank Redemption was my second favourite race. This time it was sheep that were racing and their "jockeys" had names like Juan Sheet, Sheepshit Sheppi and Dolly. My mate Angie was Dolly and her husband was coerced into being Juan Sheet and all the interviews were again totally hysterical. I placed a bid to be the owner of Dolly's sheep along with another of Dolly's supporters but alas we were out bid. What a pile of sheet shit huh?

Well again, I had two bets, Dolly and Minty Muttondressed. It was the last race and everyone really got into it and we were all yelling at the screen and folk were whooping and hollering when Minty Muttondressed won. Me especially as I then had more winnings to collect. Who knew betting could be this much fun?

After the thank you speeches, they put on some music and the first tune to come on was Dolly Parton 9-5. My mate Emma said to Angie, here's your song and Angie is like "yeah it's a cool song" and was boogieing in her seat and the song was nearly over before the penny dropped and she said "oh hey, it's Dolly!" at which point Emma and I are both like "Duh" as we all fell about laughing!

What can I say, this was one of the best nights out I have had this year. The Royal Bank of Scotland staff had so much fun arranging it, that was obvious to see in the video footage which must have taken up hours of their spare time, a lot of organisation and the attention to detail was impressive.

My only complaint is that I still don't know the bloody answers to the mini quiz! Grrrr so now I will just have to go to their next charity event to badger them for the answers or perhaps this is the same mini quiz that they have at all their events and they don't give out the answers till the end of the fund raising year! Now that is very sneaky and clever but it will be no hardship to go to another of their events if they turn out to be as much fun as this one.

Lastly, just how am I supposed to keep a straight face the next time I am doing my banking at RBS? It's not like I won't recognise any of the "jockeys" so will have to restrain myself from cracking up laughing while in the queue for the tellers or everyone will think I have lost the plot! What? Of fuck, you mean they already know? Ah well I will be in good company with the nutters at the Royal Bank of Scotland :-)