The Hypochondriac

Last night, as we were heading off to bed, bout 11.20pm, Holly decides that she should have oil in her ears before going to bed! I'm like " wtf? We are flying in two days, don't ya think you're a bit late for putting oil in your ears? When did they start to hurt?"

Holly shouted "they aren't" as she disappeared into Jack's room for a syringe. So I started to boil the kettle, get the oil out of the cupboard and all the while muttering under my breath bout how "this was a bit like shutting the gate after the horse had bolted so what was the point huh?".

Back she comes complete with syringe and cotton wool balls and asked what I was muttering about. I was holding the teaspoon of oil over the steam coming from the kettle so I couldn't turn around and give her my undivided attention. Thinking she was in the bad books, when I turned around she had such a forlorn look on her face that I started laughing.

I was carefully drawing up the oil into the syringe when she started laughing at me and I was like, "you'd better not be sniggering about how short I am or you're for it!" After getting herself together she commented that she was laughing cos I had just said "there are not many mothers that would do this at this time of night don't you know!" and I said so "what's funny about that then?"

At which point, she laughingly pointed out that most mothers would do exactly this when their poor child was sick and would stroke their cheek and say "awww sweetheart, can I bring you a warm drink, do you need an extra blanket, can I make you some soup, you should probably stay off school etc, it's only you that doesn't do that!"

I fell about laughing and the two of us were hanging onto each other in hysterics cos that is so so true!

In my defence, my daughter is the biggest hypochondriac I know. She can watch Embarrassing Bodies on TV and within 5 minutes of watching she starts to have the symptoms of the person in the programme. It is hilarious to watch and I really get a kick out of watching her start to frown and feel about the offending area that is being talked about on TV. I have even timed her to see how quick she will say something to me and you know she never lets me down and gets most pissed off when I roll about on the sofa laughing!

She has also pretended to be ill so many times and gotten to stay off school more days than I care to mention that now of course I don't believe her when she is genuinely ill. As she puts it, she would need to be nearly dying before I believed her! Well not quite but near as damn it :-)

Her speciality is the moaning, dying duck routine. This is would be ok if she would just die quietly but no such luck! I am treated to hours of moaning, winging and writhing on the sofa complete with throwing off the aforementioned blanket so there is only so much one person can take.

The legacy of these years of "crying wolf" is that my poor girl gets very little sympathy from me when she is ill and it's only when she takes to her bed or goes off her food that she gets the cheek stroking, extra blankets and warm drink. But soup? Wtf? I am no earth mother me, so unless that is on the menu that night then you can forget it. Canned soup or nothing. But hey you've gone off your food so nae soup for you!

My lovely daughter and I are even on first name terms with the school nurse and he has told her that he is scared to phone me cos I'm like "awwww WHAT NOW??!!!" as soon as I hear his voice. lol That poor man but really he should try living with her.

These days, she has calmed down a bit but of course my attitude to her "illnesses" has not changed and so although I know I should be chilling about it a bit more, years of being "had" have taken their toll.

At least we can laugh about it now like last night, I was crying with laughter cos I know that to an outsider it would seem that she is so hard done by and I am a heartless bitch but it is so not true. Don't believe me? Well the only way you will know is if you get sick around me. Are you willing to take that chance? No I didn't think so!!!